Hubby went back to work today on Day 5 after his first chemo., and I am running around like a headless chicken trying to keep busy and not worry about him. I am worried the chemo bag might get caught in something, worried he might be with someone with germs, worried he might get overtired etc etc, all of which I cannot show because I know he has got stir crazy these last few awful days, since discovery of the recurrence of the cancer and the portacath being put in and the chemo started.
I am concerned about my younger daughter who is very much a daddy's girl and very emotional about the whole thing, how to get her to rein her feelings in front of her father and put her worries to the background.... pot, kettle, black here I think!!!
We had such a lovely family day yesterday, it was my birthday and that of our son also, so a big lunch with most of us there was just the tonic we all needed. Our grandson is at Uni and could not come and our son's daughter had a throat infection so had to stay at home with mummy for fear of giving Pa germs, but we all had a laugh and for a little while forgot the reality of the situation.
I find I am much less tolerant of people now - I got very cross with a store representative just now about an delivery due between 11 & 13.00 which did not arrive until 15.00. I am now not putting up with excuses and if someone says something I expect it to be done or at the very least an explanation as to why it has not been done. I hear people moaning about silly stuff and get cross. I see youngsters smoking and want to run over and snatch the cigarettes out of their stupid mouths. And on and on..... maybe I am becoming a grumpy old woman, but I am aware I must be careful with my short fuse as it may explode in my face.
The hospital are being wonderful and trying so hard to accommodate my husband's working life with his chemo sessions, and I have absolutely no complaints about his treatment nor their care - but I am angry, so very very angry. I saw a man we know the other day, who is acknowledged as being a complete waste of space and got angry because my husband has cancer and this person is a user, taking and never contributing, lying and cheating his way through life, and the only legacy he will leave is one of disdain...... why can't he have cancer and not my husband.
Such dreadful thoughts are filling my head, and I know I have to deal with them and get things in proportion, but I am overwhelmed with a growing fury and nowhere to put it. I see that my children are suffering also and our grandchildren, but all I can see right now is my husband, his difficulty at coming to terms with both the cancer and the treatment and I get so very angry.
It has helped writing about it on here and I am sure once the initial shock has worn off from the events of the past three weeks, I will get my feelings under control. Until then, I am just trying to work through my emotions by keeping busy and focussed on the fight ahead.
