well today has been horrible. cant stop crying being very negative. sat here looking at photos of kids, weddings .and lots of happy memories. then reality creeps in and you think will this be the last time. cant get my head round the start of the year, making plans for holdays improvements to house and then everything goes pear shaped. iam half way through the chemo and dont know whether its working or not. i just want some normality back into my life to be able to say yes to peoples invatasions twelve months down the line.i miss not being able to go to work and meeting diffrent people on a daily basis. i feel my independence has been taken from me all because of this awfull thing growing inside me.i look at my husband whom i love to bits and couldnt bear the thought of him with someone else. i know thats a very selfish attitude as if anything did happen he is only young to be on his own. this horrible black cloud if only would go away. iam feeling very lonely and need to get this off my chest my life doesnt feel like my own anymore. thanks for listening hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
FormerMember
hi babscat , your blog reminded me of how i have been this weekend & none of us want to feel this way its like lifes on hold . things will improve & we are entilled to feel down sometimes . its all the nasty side effects of the drugs as well that make us feel so bad . this site has shown me that other people care so much about how you are feeling because at sometime or another everyone has experienced it.i don't think that your feelings are selfish at all i think its understandable to feel like that & i am sure your husband looks on you as his rock as well at this tough time even though you don't think it your strength will be getting your family through.the black cloud will lift love i am sure mine is on the up now . its the helplessness of all the plans we make at the start of the year & as you say they have gone pear shaped i hope that i have been of some comfort to you . so i will send you love n hugs take care love treeze xxx
You have been doing so well lately that I think it is only to be expected that you will have one or two really low days like this. Looking at photo albums of happier times can make us smile, but then suddenly everything comes gushing out, with the realisation of how different things are at the moment BUT it is just at the moment, sweets. I know that chemo feels like forever, but you will get over it! Accept those invitations and write them in your diary: it gives you a goal, and things to look forward to when all this is out of your body and out of your life. I suspect that the isolation due to not being at work might be at the heart of this. Is there a local support group where you could meet up with new people who understand just what you are going through? Do let us know how you feel later - hopefully better! xxx Penny
thanks penny and freeze for your support. hopefully tomorrow will be better. your right penny the isolation with not being at work has really knocked me for a six and feel like iam climbing the walls at times. on a positive note the chemo hasnt been bad at all and all the hospital staff have been brilliant.plan to make myself a chart of things to do on a daily basis to break up the boredom. i think it does us good to have a cry now and again and stop pretending were are superhuman. well something to look forward to the weekend fiesta at lanz. once again thanks for listening. love babs.
And one bad day doesn't mean the beginning of depression. Babs, you're doing really well so far, and as Penny says it's normal to have the occasional bad day - we wouldn't be human if this dreadful illness didn't get us down sometimes. Just let go, wallow for a day, and tomorrow I'm sure you'll feel better. I am refusing to stop making plans - right, there may be an opt out clause, but we all need something to look forward to. Maggie and I have just booked our next trip to Egypt in March and I am convinced that I will still be here and well enough to go [and if not, we'll only have lost our deposit!!!]. And aren't we lucky that we DO have the happy memories. And we have the jobs and people to go back to when treatment is finished. Let's start by making plans for this weekend in Leicester - really looking forward to meeting you then. Lots of love and hugs, Kate xxx
Glad you seem to have cheered up Babs, and I think even blogging can provide a release as you get confirmation that you are not the only one, and what you are going through is normal. The list to do sounds a really good idea: when you find the secret of actually managing to tick them off every day, will you please let me know? LOL
Kate - brilliant idea to book your annual trip to Eqypt: we look forward to the photos. I think having something to look forward is a great mental stimulant. xxx Penny
