On the way to the hospital we had the strangest experience.
I should say at this point although we live in Inverness, our youngest daughter 21 began her degree in Glasgow during the pandemic so is about to start her 4th & final year in September. I had said to my husband how nice it would be to see J but I knew our schedules would not allow on this particular visit. I miss her.
Anyway, there we were waiting on traffic lights to change for what felt like ages when my phone began to ring. Hubby was driving. A familiar voice spoke. Just three words “Look right Mam” there was my baby waving from the pavement on her way to work. I was so excited to see her beautiful face but obviously couldn’t get out and give her a hug. That moment simply made my day. I hadn’t slept a wink and was so nervous to discuss the surgery with the surgeon but seeing “J” gave me a little boost and that fog cleared from my head for a moment.
The hospital is huge, took us a while to find our bearings. The carpark seemed to be very far away given my mobility issues but we got where we needed to be and then became the wait…have you noticed with cancer your life becomes one abundant wait. If it’s not for results, it’s for treatment, prescriptions, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, scans, more biopsies….I have found the waiting unbearable. I found myself a new hobby in a bid to cope with the torment of our waiting. I took up knitting after not picking up needles in 35 odd years, my wee Granny would be proud of my achievements.
The surgeon and the colorectal nurse specialist seem very nice. Extremely approachable and both were keen to listen and give us time to ask and answer questions. The revelation that the surgery will be about 9 hours was a shock. My immediate thought was that I hope my body is strong enough to be under anaesthetic that long. I am a big lassie and my BMI of 40 is the biggest risk for me. I proceeded to tell the staff that I am three stone lighter than I was on my wedding day 22/2/22 so I was quite proud of the loss I had made but possibly the cancer had something to do with it dropping off. I was met with serious faces. We don’t like a bit of light humour then! It relaxes me when I am nervous.
There is the possibility of robotic surgery which will not make the length of surgery any shorter but will indeed possibly make recovery a little sharper as I might heal faster. I agreed that I am willing to do whatever is best.
So timeline for surgery is roughly within the next 4 weeks.
A rectal examination was completed and the surgeon showed us the details on screen. The first time I had seen the monster that is trying to kill me. The sooner it is gone the better!
My husband & I went for a cuppa on leaving the clinical area. We had a debriefing of the consultation. We both feel confident that I am in the right place, with the right team and we have a positive mindset for the way forward.
I was meant to have a face to face appointment with one of the psychologists at home connected to “Maggies” but I had to miss the appointment due to the impromptu trip to Glasgow but I feel it’s important for me to speak with the psychologist before I go for the surgery as talking really does help. The fact I can offload to a stranger without having to wait weeks for an appointment is an absolute privilege so I will be rescheduling again ASAP.
I was very bloated by the time we got home, sitting for a long time does that to me and then I can’t get rid of the excess air. I am sure other anal cancer patients sit on the toilet trying to relieve wind too. I feel the mechanics of my insides have changed since the 28rounds of radiotherapy I had but obviously everyone is different.
Bed by 10pm, knackered.
