Thanks to everyone who sent me a message, I appreciate your kind words, and am so glad I have finally found people who understand what the hell I'm going through. I am having counselling, and believe it or not I am much much better than I was 6 months ago. I know they say that time heals, but I think time just numbs you, it doesn't heal anything. I think there were lots of other things that have led to my anger, because I didn't see my dad much, so when I found out he had died without saying goodbye, I just felt so betrayed...like it was the final t=possible thing he could have done to hurt me. But part of me thinks I am so selfish for constantly hurting and worrying about myself...dad is the one that died. He's the one that went through the pain and suffering, and all I can think about is myself. I often get upset worrying about his wife and her daughter and how much they must be missing him, but they were with him, so it's almost like they have closure...they saw the whole process through to its final moments...and I have been left to imagine things. I also went to see dad when he was at the funeral parlour because I needed to know he was definately gone, so that it didn;t just feel like an extended (indefinately) period of not seeing him for years on end. He looked so different from the dad I knew, and I'm angry with myself for seeing him, because now it haunts me. I used to see him before I went to bed every night, but now it's just occassional...again...time has numbed this memory, but it is still just as powerful when it hits me. I read him a poem that I was told I shouldn't read in front of everyone at the funeral because it sounded too hurt and angry (I thought it was full of regret and loss) and I put it under his hand with a picture of him holding me when I was a baby. I really do feel like he took a piece of me with him when he was taken away to be cremated. I kissed his head and held his hand but it was so cold and (im ashamed to say) I was terrified of being in the room with him, as if he was going to sit up and stare at me or something. I can't believe I thought that, he was my dad! I'm so angry that that's all I have left of him, a memory of his corpse. I just need him back a little bit longer! I'm sorry...this is a bit too deep.
FormerMember
hi amy,
i wish i could give you a hug, you remind me of me when my died died also of lung cancer, i wasn't with him, gave him a kiss at the parlour, and can still remember how that feels 27 years later, but I agree with you, your dad took a bit of you with him, he took the love you shared together, he knows you loved him, he would not want you to torture yourself, the saying 'time heals' to me it becomes easier to accept, try and remember the good times, and I'm sure he was pleased you gave him a picture of you both together. Everyone on this sight is hear to listen, take care, take every day as it comes, the good days will out weigh the bad in time,
