Not entirely sure what to write, so i thought i'd describe the dream i had a few nights ago...
I was with dad hugging him, with my head buried in his chest. I was sobbing, but the noises coming out of me we low moans and i was rocking into him, like the pain was so deep it was physically pushing out of me into his body. I needed him to feel it so badly, i want him to feel the pain i have deep inside me. Is that selfish! He has been through so much already, how can I be so selfish and not forgive him for never saying goodbye, he had other things on his mind.
I digress... in my dream, dad spoke to me, and told me that he was ok now and the cancer was gone, his hair was dark again, although I could see bald patches, it was no longer white as I remember it being when I saw his body.
I was crying so hard into him, because I knew i was dreaming...and the worst feeling in the world is that I knew completely that he wouldn't be there when I opened my eyes...and that I couldn't stop myself from waking up. I can't believe that was my last chance to say goodbye, in a dream.
I need him back again!
Sorry if I my blog isn't right...i wasn't sure what to say...i let my fingers do the talking.
FormerMember
Hi Amy, welcome to this site. I'm so sorry you're feeling such anger towards your dad for leaving you, this is a very natural feeling. I have read your profile and see that you couldn't be with your dad at the end. This must have been very hard for you. Have you tried to get some counselling to get your feelings out and understand them? In the meantime, this is a great place to get things off your chest. We all understand. Let me know how you get on, I'm here anytime you want to have a chat. Best wishes to you, Christine xx
Amy there is nothing to apologise for, this is a place to come to try to get ride of the anger and try to come to terms with the pain. Don't think it ever goes away just becomes more bearabel with time if your lucky.
Looking at your profile and reading your blog I get the feeling that as your were his "little girl" he was probably putting off telling you because he was doing what Dads do trying to protect you. Also you know what men are like anything to do with emotions and most run away or hide thire heads in the sand. As he died of an infection he was most likely caught unawares and so the time he thought he had to get up the courage to tell his little girl was taken from him. I believe that if he had known this would happen he would have told you, he would hate for you to feel as you do now, although he may have hoped that you would never have to see him suffer and remember him as he was when fit and healthy. Unfortunately cancer and life dont always alow us to do this.
However the one thing that nothing can take away from you is the love and the good times you both had together. Nothing will make it easy and the crass people who say oh well you should be over that by now are idiots this kind of grief and anger (which is a normal part of trying to come to terms with such a loss) often takes years to get over fully and the pain can sneak up on you at the stranges of times.
I cannot begin to understand the pain you must be going through but my thoughts are with you.
Ive just read your blog..n it brought back memories of my dad. I wasnt with my dad when he passed away..we got there just a few minutes too late and i never got to say goodbye properly..i was devastated. I wasnt sure if i wanted to see him in the chapel of rest...i didnt want that to be my last memory of him...my mum didnt pressure me but she said i may regret it later if i didnt..so i plucked up the courage n went with my sister..im so glad i did...dressed in his own clothes he looked so peaceful. That night i had a "dream"..my dad was sat at the side of his coffin n he hugged me n said ..dont worry love..im ready for this...im proud of you n i'l wait for you...it was so real i think it was my dads way of telling me he was at peace n he was happy...im sure thats what your dad was saying to you...my dad passed away 17 yrs ago but that "dream" is still as fresh in my mind as it was that night...ur grief is still very raw...but i hope in time u will look back on it n see it the way i do...your dad was saying goodbye to you n telling you he loved you...
I know the loss your going through...i still want my dad back...but not to suffer again..
God bless you n your family...my thoughts n condolences to you all n i pray you will get the strength you need..
