So angry with this cancer lark!!!!

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

25 Nov 2009

Tonight I can't stop crying and all because a work colleague posted on her facebook page that she is going to college to do an adult teaching course. This made me cry because I was supposed to be doing this and we were going to do it together. Instead I've got bloody cancer and face 6 months of chemo to kill it. Then a course of radio after that. I feel so bloody pissed off, angry, annoyed, frustrated, that this thing has made me put my life on hold while everyone elses around me is continuing with theirs. I never thought I could miss work so much but I am so bored. I have asked if there is any work I can do at home but my LM hasn't got back to me that was two weeks ago. Going out to do my work is not really suitable , I have to travel to different day nurseries to assess students. I'm sitting here asking again the question WHY ME, I have been doing so well until I read her post. I can't post anything on my profile about how I feel because I don't want to upset her. I am feeling scared about Friday, even though I've read all the books etc, bloggs, and listened to others about the chemo I am really cr...ing myself. Everyone has gone to bed and I'm sitting on my own feeling so alone because they don't really understand how I am feeling. How can a simple happy comment from a good friend make me this upset. Need to pull myself together feel so stupid at the same time being like this, it's not her fault. I went to visit my aunt today who had breast cancer two years ago and now has bowel cancer plus shadows on lungs and kidneys. It was good to talk to her as she is so positive that it made me feel positive, we had a laugh about what other memebers of the family are up to, and I came away feeling happy, now I feel like a complete wreck. Writing all this down has helped the tears are beginning to subside, need a mug of hot chocolate now and then bed hopefully before 1am, for some reason I can't get to sleep very early just lately.

It is good to have somewhere to be able to put all these thoughts good and bad, I hope though there are going to be more good days than bad on this journey.

love and hugs to all Amanda xx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

hi amanda - so sorry to hear that you are not feeling too good - we have all been there and probably will be there again another time but it is important to remember that there are good times as well - like you say when you went to visit your aunt - you will see when reading through other bloggs - we all tend to have good and bad days and this is a really good place to come and share your thoughts and feelings - most people on here will try their best to help support you - take care and remeber that once you have finished all of your treatments you will be able to reurn to your studies and continue with your plans of becoming a teacher - who knows you might decide after this you might want to look at doing something else - who knows - hope you have a good sleep - karen - xoxo
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FormerMember over 15 years ago

Dont worry Amanda, I havent got a date for my chemo to start yet but Im still cr***ing myself but they say once the first one is over the rest are a little easier, Im lucky in that I can work from home to some extent and have managed to make it into work a few times but like you I miss being there. Will be thinking of you on Friday babes, keep strong

take care love Terri xxx
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FormerMember over 15 years ago

hi Amanda, we all put on such a brave face to everyone but it has to come out sometime. I miss my martial arts training, i still go to the grading parties and im sooooo hurt that i cant be celebrating passing my gradings. Not only that but it will take me some time to even get my fitness back. I get so angry and grieve for the life i used to have. I dont even recognise me in the mirror anymore. But we will get back there, its difficult to comprehend that this is just something we have to go through right now. Its truly the cr**piest thing i have ever been through, but it will soon be the past, and i will be stronger for it. Try not to worry too much about chemo, its doable, if a wimp like me can do it anyone can. I have had 4xEC and 3x docetaxel, 1 more to go, take 1 day at a time and you will get there.

take care

anna
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FormerMember over 15 years ago

What is your job? You work in education? Could you go in and do one or two days a week as a teaching assistant..or whatever's applicable in your line of work? Having said this when my friend had breast cancer (she was a 31 yr old teaching assistant at the time, she stayed off work completely during treatment by choice. She has been in remission for over five years now, after a double mastectomy, chemo and a beautiful reconstruction job..maybe the time off helped her be as strong as possible for treatment - you know your own body and it's limits best). I believe your employer is legally is obliged to offer you part-time work as long as your doctor deems you fit enough.

Also I regard frustration/anger as a good sign, it shows you have energy and a strong resolve to get through this trying period of your life.
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FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Amanda, i fully understand your anger/pain/ frustration, even though it was my mam who had 1st hand of these emotions, i felt them too. Cry,shout and hit out whenever you feel the need, caring people will understand. keep strong and be brave and you will conquer this horrid disease. positive vibes are comming to you right now!!! xxxx
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