It is challenging to know how best to spend time while waiting. I try and step back and witness myself and how I am doing. My capacity to concentrate and undertake the simplest of tasks has been significantly affected. Is it good to keep myself busy? Would I be better off taking space making room for stillness. The world outside feels like a frenzy of activity as Christmas approaches.
Keeping myself busy means I have just exhausted myself. It is not helping that I am struggling to sleep through the night. Tonight I woke at 2.30am and have been unable to get back to sleep, it's now nearly 4.30 and my sleepytime tea seems to have had no effect.
Yesterday I decided to look at my options around going to Aberdeen to have two weeks of intensive mistletoe therapy. My head is spinning with how I will pull together all the different things involved. Planning the logistics of the journey - it's a long trip from Cornwall to Aberdeen. I have to take some-one with me, who to ask? Then waiting to see who can do what and when. It's not easy reaching out for help and I am heartened to have been met with kindness and support.
My biopsy appointment is on Wednesday so just one more day to go.
Things are shifting, it's amazing how the idea that I might have limited time inspires me to actually do things I have held back from doing. I am taking ownership of who I am and letting myself start to be seen and heard.
I have been wanting to participate in a local mantra singing circle for the longest time, I have not yet found one, so finally I have been inspired to create one. In the past couple of weeks I have successfully spread the word and had a large enough group signed up for my first session. It was supposed to be today (Tuesday) but I had to postpone it as I am isolating in preparation for my biopsy tomorrow. I wonder if I am mad spending time on this, and I at the same time I do not intend to put my life on hold waiting or being held hostage by the disruption that making space for tests and treatment brings. Although I have had to postpone this first session I feel proud, the momentum of the circle has started and I simply have to put another date forward and trust when the time is right it will happen.
I love the stillness and quiet that exist at this time of day
