I had good news two days ago, so why do I feel so pants right now?
I can’t really explain it, it’s kind of like an anticlimax. Friends had talked about celebrating when I had good news, but I don’t feel like doing anything now I am in a position to celebrate.
I had two offers last night, a girly night on Friday & an adult only weekend at Butlins in a couple of weeks, and I turned them both down. I made excuses both times because I don’t know how to tell people I no longer feel like celebrating.
Maybe it’s the reality of being told that whilst it’s not cancer yet, it could be one day. Don’t get me wrong, the consultant was very positive. He said decades if at all, and if it does change there are good treatments available, which are bound to improve yet again in the coming years.
Somehow decades seems ages away when you have something good to look forward to, but when it’s not so good it’s not long at all. I guess everyone on here will appreciate that.
Maybe it’s because he did actually talk about Myeloma. He didn’t mention any names when I first saw him as he wanted to get results first. He asked if I wanted any information about it, but I said I’d found enough of my own & would prefer to leave it until I ever do need to know.
Maybe I’m just having a random ‘down’ day that everyone gets occasionally! Usually I just accept these days knowing it’ll pass soon. I guess the difference is I’ve got something for those negative feelings to focus on right now.
I keep thinking, ‘ok, there’s only a 1% chance each year of things changing, but someone has to be in that 1%, and in 2 years it’ll be 2% etc’. Perhaps I should just buck up & tell myself there’s a 99% chance it won’t change!!
Maybe it’s because I’m spending too much time reading other peoples experiences. I found a Facebook group for MGUS yesterday. Even there, ‘pre cancer’, everyone has so many problems with the ‘side effects’ of MGUS. I think maybe I’m better off not knowing – maybe ignorance really is bliss!!
I had a few tears earlier. I’m not one of those people who feels worse for feeling bad, or see’s crying as a weakness. I think it’s good for you. It’s release of emotions and I normally feel better for it after.
I’m not good at talking about my feelings to the people close to me. Maybe it’s from being the first born & being the big sister, the strong one who my siblings looked up to. Maybe it’s my job as a nurse, where you put feelings aside (well not completely, you just control them). Maybe its motherhood, and wanting to protect my children. Who knows! Maybe it’s just me!
My worse life experiences to date were my recurrent miscarriages. I learnt then to give myself time to grieve. I would do this privately at the end of the day (mostly!) & see it as ‘my’ time. Perhaps that’s how I should think now. But I don’t have cancer; I have nothing to grieve for. It doesn’t make sense.
Maybe it is just a random down day!
Nic.
