this morning is one of those mornings I think all us stage 4 patients have, it's 5.15 am raining outside and am crying quietly at the table. Its peaceful as no one will be up for at least another 2 hours when they start their day of work, I wont be joining that daily routine, instead I have to play the dance with what side effects might come out to play today and try to suppress the question I wonder how long have I left ? is the cancer spreading ? is my wife able to keep loving me through this ? at this hour of the morning I can cry freely for what I know will be lost there is no avoidance of the inevitable but lets hope I can buy enough time to see my 4yr old granddaughter go to school for the first time and maybe hopefully not to much to hope for to see my 1 yr old grandson start school. I myself am a teacher 29 years teaching senior physics here in Ireland, last year seen me absent and that has hurt me so much to miss the final 6th yr students make their last journey from school, the class itself has written to me several times offering support and saying goodbyes. This cancer has so much to answer and no way to extract justice from it unless I can manage to keep surviving which I aim to do. Have completed 45 doses of radiotherapy in total 35 and 10 and completed 4 months of chemo before Christmas and started into a second period of chemo now to go 4 months again. I am not seeking sympathy we had that in bucket loads am just letting people know, who are sitting at a table quietly crying because its the ideal time to do so privately when the world still sleeps and you can indulge in some self pity without alarming those you love around you, we are not alone.
