Last night & today

Firstly I want to say thanks for the support and advice I received from my first blog. Last night had a major row with my boyfriend because 1- he didn't like the fact that I'd joined the online community, he out of protection for me felt that maybe I would be given bad advice from the people online & also that I would start to feel that I could only talk to them about my emotions, shutting him out!  As I knew that he didn't like me using the McMillan site, I didn't think he would understand that i'd also started a diary, so didn't tell him. Which brings me to number 2- he felt like he was justified about me shutting him out because I'd started withholding things! Arrgghh!!!!!! I felt frustrated because if I hadn't felt that he didn't approve of me using the site, i wouldn't have withheld the fact that i'd started a diary. After rowing & then making up, I showed him some of the lovely responses that I'd been sent, after copying my first diary entry onto a blog page and posting it.. He realised that actually the people on here are really supportive & only trying to help people through such a shit time. As the row had gone on for a few hours, ended up going to bed at 12pm! Absolutely knackered, & knowing I had to get up early (what I call early anyway) to get to the hospital to see my mum. Alarm clock set for 9.30 slumbering away, I get a text from my dad, who obviously doesn't think that 8.36am is early as normally he's been up for 2-3 hours by then! "mum had a comfortable night" glad though I was to hear that, I would have appreciated another hour sleep myself! Sleep is difficult for me at the moment, not only because dad will insist on either texting or ringing ranging from 8 to 8.30am, but as soon as I wake, normally by my pea sized bladder, my brain thinks its time to start thinking about the only subject that's consuming my every waking thought at the moment. Left to get to see my mum a little later than planned, dad rang to reiterate what time he would be there, as he wanted to go swimming and if he went early the school kids would be there so he's going about 12 as they'll be at lunch, & my aunt Jenny being there this morning so he wanted to stagger the visits...... Listening to him thinking, Come on dad, your making me late! Seeing my mum, I had mixed emotions. As a lot of the time I'm getting second or third hand information, people can exaggerate. Dad I think in his own way is trying to prepare me in case she doesn't get to go home. I'm still hopeful, as although they keep moving the day back, they do keep mentioning it. Surely that would be cruel to keep saying it but it never happen?  Anyway the visit with mum was great, she was having a good day, pain seemed to be under control, bit of colour in her cheeks, rolling her eyes at my dad, seemed to be almost her old self. That's the bit that's hard actually, because for a split second you almost forget, then you look at your surroundings & the fact that she's got a candler sticking out of her arm & you remember. All in all though a good visit, she told me that she had received a letter at home that my dad collected for her, telling her that she had an oncology appointment for tomorrow. As they thought that she would have been released its in the outpatient zone but rather than have to go to there the doc is going to come up to see her. They're trying to get her biopsy results for this appointment and she said she really wants someone with her. I told her that I wished I'd known about it, as I could have arranged something with work to be there, to which she replied that she's sure she told me... She didn't, but I didn't say anything! Told her I could try but she said not to worry, that she thinks my dad will probably be there. Text David (my brother) and told him about it, and that I couldn't be there. Text me back saying he'll be there, glad that she's not on her own. Left after a good 3 hour visit, mum likes her own space and she hasn't had a day where she hasn't had a visitor, she said she hopes she doesn't get anyone else, wants to read the paper & watch holby city & 71 degrees north!  The docs were a little concerned about the fact her chest infection isn't better by now so are scanning to be sure she hasn't got a blood clot, doc said its just a niggle that he's got, but I'm glad they are being thorough. My dads being brilliant, he and my mum haven't been together since I was six but has always remained in all of our lives. He sometimes doesn't sensor his thoughts and tells me things that I think maybe arn't appropriate for me to know, but our father daughter relationship has never been a traditional one, so can understand that sometimes he feels he can tell me things that my mum probably wouldn't because she's trying to protect me. Families are complicated! Have been writing for what feels like hours now so am going to try to give my brain a rest.