bac again

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

17 Sep 2011

hi im bac this is all so hard, i find it hard to write , even though i have wanted to over the last week , but it seems now that i don,t have anything in common as i cant talk about cheo as mum hasnt been offered any . sorry guys i know that you have all heard it before but i feel im drowning with all this , sorry if i have pissed you off but this is my worst scenenrio come to life . i cant imaginne mum not being around ay be in a years time . Y ES I KNOW BUT I DONT KNOW THIS . I dont feel positve. all my life i have put my mum through hell im not a bad person i just had a shit life , its only the last 15 years when i met my lovely husband and haave aa wonderfful teenage daughter that i have done some thing positive with my life . since mum has been diagnosed with in curable lung cancer this all seems to be ebbing away . i struggel ith mum leaving as i haven,t given her a good life she does know i love her but we have never discussed any thing with her . mum rings me now acting just as normal and i pretend im ok realy i want to say to her do you realise your dying and know im not ok . yes i know the next bit sounds realy cruel but i wish she had just died . Im such a bitch aint i every one one on here is so posotive and i love you guys fior it but i aint . over the last few weeks my daughter has been very supportive and im thankful for that im waiting for the mental health team to get back to me ,they dont hurryt as i have been waiting 3 weeks ,. yeh i dont talk to my famil;y about how i feel it reached crisris point on thursday and i told my husband if he wants to know anything to ring my doctor as then it takes the pressure off me ass i find sorry guys i cant talk to him about my past life never have and never will he never new me about previous life. weel im not going to write any thing else at the moment sorry im not like every one else i have tried but needed to write this down oh yeh i might have been a right bitch all my life but one thing i will always love my mum and be grateful that she has always tried lovee you mum forever and always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx if people are realy disgusted of what i have writteen im realy sorry please let me know and then i will kno i have over stepped the mark and i wont come o n here again love you guys and i wish i was a stong as you all please keep it up you will survive

FormerMember over 13 years ago

Dear Tracey,

Well, you haven't shocked me. Not one little bit. I know something about having a s*** life as a youngster - thankfully more than 50 years ago, but the memories still come back to haunt me sometimes.

And I too wasn't as good to my Mum as I could have been, in fact I was downright nasty because I felt she'd let me down, betrayed me, all sorts of things that I'm still, even now, trying to sort out in my head. I've been on a variety of anti-depressants since my early 20s (but am perfectly stable so don't worry, I'm not "weird"!).

What I'm trying to say is that I feel you have been suffering from severe depression for some time, and your Mum's illness has brought everything back to the surface - everything you've tried so hard to forget.

I do hope you wll get the help you need very quickly. Meanwhile, any time you want to blog here and let off steam I'm certain you'll be very welcome. Nobody is ever asked for a "certificate of perfection" before they join this website! If they were, I suspect it would be almost empty!

Love & hugs,

Annie xxx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

thanx annie yeh life is a bitch then we die thanx for all your comments it helped xxxxxxxx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Tracey,

In my eyes you haven't overstepped the mark, what you have done is be totally honest about things. It takes a lot of guts to do that in any situation, especially in the one you find yourself in.

Someone once told me never to look in the rear view mirror, in other words don't look back at the past because it is done and we can't change it. I hope you don't think I am overstepping the mark when I say you must look after your husband and daughter, they are your future. Being a parent myself I want to know my kids are going to be OK and happy, when my time comes. I bet your mum does too.

Take care.

Tim x
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Tracy, I don't think anybody will be disgusted by what you have written. This site is for here for us all to offload our feelings without criticism. You should be proud of the fact that you have been able to express how you feel, it takes a lot of courage. I hope getting some of it off your chest has left you feeling a bit better.

We might seem a totally positive bunch, and yes, on the whole we try to be, but there's not one person on this site who hasn't had their dark days I can assure you.

Please continue to come on and rant and rave and do whatever you like. If it helps, great!

Hope you have a better weekend hun.

Take care, Christine xx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Tracy.Its very bad that the mental health team have taken 3 weeks.Yes,dont look back.Dont feel guilty.Youre a different person now and we all learn as we grow older.Guilt is a wasted emotion anyway.Weve all done things we regret .Be kind to yourself and yes rant and rave if you want to.We are here to support you.HUGS for you xxxxx
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