I feel numb mostly the last few days but i am still feeling angry with my cousin.
Last week she was dumped by her boyfriend of just over a year who she had just moved in with this summer. I appreciate that that must feel shit. However she had the nerve to compare her feelings with what i am going through!!!
To make it worse she then proceeded to OD and put herself in hospital, just because some stupid bloke who clearly didn't really love her ended the relationship!! And she said to me 'I just didn't want to be here anymore', it wasn't a serious attempt and she was discharged from hospital within 24hours. But it made me so angry, to compare being dumped by some stupid bloke to having the man who loved you for 131/2 years and still did, and would never have left you by choice, die. Then to think that that was a sufficient excuse to try to take her life. If either of us has the right to be feeling that way it's me. And yes I have thought about it, how it would best be done to do it properly and quickly, and to be honest it is a good job that one of the first things I did after Mark died was to return all his meds to the pharmacy, at least now it would not be easy in a very black moment. But the main thing is that I watch him cling to every bit of life that he could, every last minuet, to demand chemo even when there was no longer any use. He valued his life so much that I owe it to him not to go there. And it angers me so much that someone could think so little of life that they would just throw it away like that. STUPID
Of course i never said any of this to her, she is obviously fragile, poor her!! I don't think that me telling her she is behaving like some stupid selfish little girl would help. She has a family that love her. And besides she is s heart broken that she is now off having her hair done and going out with her friends!! I dare not go anywhere near a hairdresser incase they talk to me, been anywhere nice this year?!
Sorry for this rant i needed to get it out, there are somethings you just can't say to family and friends without them thinking you are about to jump off the closest bridge. I just want to be with him, but i realise i will have to wait, potentially a very very long time. does not stop me hopeing that my life will be shortened somehow, but not be my doing.
I should have warned how depressing this may be at the beginning of my blog, sorry
T
