I feel so guilty today

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

19 Sep 2010

I woke this morning and all I can feel is guilty and sorry.

Guilty because my husband was dying and I couldn't even tell. I know he was ill and I knew he was getting worse, but I didn't know he was dying. I didn't support him like I would have felt shit and I thought it would all get better and he was being a little lazy (at first anyway). He kept saying sorry, he hadn't done the house work etc but he had just slept in. I thought he had got into bad habbits being out of work.

I never took him to the GP, I knew that he didn't always make things as clear to others as he thought he had. He thought that people would just take it that if he said he had pain, he had pain and that he didn't need to make a fuss about it they should listen to him. even when he clearly wasn't getting anywhere fast I didn't go with him. He was an adult Man, I shouldn't need to hold his hand. At least that is what I kept telling myself. Too busy at work saving lives!!! I should have been looking right under my nose, the one life that matter the most.

And why didn't they take him at his word, why did it take over 21/2 months for the ultrasound he had been promised to actually happen. If they didn't know what was wrong why didn't they repeat the blood tests to see if the iron deficiency anaemia had settled. Why didn't they weigh him when he said he had been loosing weight even though he had put it down to his new diagnosis of diabetes. Its not like he ever went to the GP with crap. He had become scared of going to the GP because every time he did in the last 2 years he had got a new diagnosis, hypothyroidism, obstructive sleep apnoea, diabetes, let alone the lectures about his weight, he knew and he hated it and I was giving him enough jip about that anyway.

Guilty because he said to me do you think it could be cancer?, NO i said, your too young, you have had clear endoscopies from both ends, cancer of what, theyve looked. He Knew he was really ill didn't he.

Guilty because I wanted to hug im and hold him in hospital before he died but he was in so much pain if moved and so comfortable at rest that I couldn't really, and I wish I had. I just held his hand and put an arm around his chest sometimes.

I want him back and I can't make it up to him now. There is nothing I can do.

FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi temple

stop beating yourself up, you didn't know, the tests didn't show what was wrong. Most of us would have done the same thing as you, we are only human.

hugs and kisses

Jan
- Cancel
- Up 0 Down
- Reply
- More
- Cancel
FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi temple

Just sending you some hugs. We all have regrets about the end but you will learn to live with them. Your husband, I am sure, knew you loved him very much and that is all that matters.

Take care

Gayle xx
- Cancel
- Up 0 Down
- Reply
- More
- Cancel
FormerMember over 14 years ago

You must not blame yourself we were in the same situation my husband was diagnosed with diverticulitus and given pain killers and I thought he was making a lot fuss about it when he eventually had a scan he had incurable bladder cancer he is now very ill in hospital and I blamed myself because I did not realize how ill he was I can only look after him to the best of my ability while I can I am sure you loved ypour husband dearly but we are not doctors you must concentrate on the good times your both shared and take care of yourself Loretta
- Cancel
- Up 0 Down
- Reply
- More
- Cancel
FormerMember over 14 years ago

hi temple...

you know.....thats the thing with life....so many times we think if only we had done things different.....not just with illness but with hundreds of things from trivial stuff to more important things ..we can say if only about practically everything...

do not blame yourself ....it wasnt your fault your hubby got ill.....it wasnt your fault you didnt realise how bad it was....not at all....

look back on all the good times you had together....celebrate the good things you shared together and experienced together..

you did nothing wrong......you just didnt realise what was to come...do any of us ? no we sure dont ...

its just a human nature thing to think back after anything and think how we would have changed things if only we had known......

only we dont know at the time whats around the corner........

so dont be hard on yourself ok...

you really didnt do anything wrong.....

....
- Cancel
- Up 0 Down
- Reply
- More
- Cancel
FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi Temple, your feelings summed up how I feel about my dad. He was diagnosed with bowel cancer which had spread in February and passed away 8 weeks later.

A year previous dad had been diagnosed with anaemia also, but had told the docs that was probably because he hadn't eaten red meat for many years and they took him at his word. Looking back I wish they had followed it up.

Then dad started to lose weight, but had been actively trying to so that didn't seem a problem either. In fact, I remember telling him how well he looked. Gosh, if only I had guessed.

He had some stomach and back pains and kept putting it down to indigestion and muscle strain. I did try to get him to see his GP, but he had never really been ill in his life, so didn't feel the need and as you say he was a grown man responsible for his own actions. I couldn't drag him there personally.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, you did all you could and your husband knew you loved him.

Best wishes to you, Christine xx
- Cancel
- Up 0 Down
- Reply
- More
- Cancel