I woke this morning and all I can feel is guilty and sorry.
Guilty because my husband was dying and I couldn't even tell. I know he was ill and I knew he was getting worse, but I didn't know he was dying. I didn't support him like I would have felt shit and I thought it would all get better and he was being a little lazy (at first anyway). He kept saying sorry, he hadn't done the house work etc but he had just slept in. I thought he had got into bad habbits being out of work.
I never took him to the GP, I knew that he didn't always make things as clear to others as he thought he had. He thought that people would just take it that if he said he had pain, he had pain and that he didn't need to make a fuss about it they should listen to him. even when he clearly wasn't getting anywhere fast I didn't go with him. He was an adult Man, I shouldn't need to hold his hand. At least that is what I kept telling myself. Too busy at work saving lives!!! I should have been looking right under my nose, the one life that matter the most.
And why didn't they take him at his word, why did it take over 21/2 months for the ultrasound he had been promised to actually happen. If they didn't know what was wrong why didn't they repeat the blood tests to see if the iron deficiency anaemia had settled. Why didn't they weigh him when he said he had been loosing weight even though he had put it down to his new diagnosis of diabetes. Its not like he ever went to the GP with crap. He had become scared of going to the GP because every time he did in the last 2 years he had got a new diagnosis, hypothyroidism, obstructive sleep apnoea, diabetes, let alone the lectures about his weight, he knew and he hated it and I was giving him enough jip about that anyway.
Guilty because he said to me do you think it could be cancer?, NO i said, your too young, you have had clear endoscopies from both ends, cancer of what, theyve looked. He Knew he was really ill didn't he.
Guilty because I wanted to hug im and hold him in hospital before he died but he was in so much pain if moved and so comfortable at rest that I couldn't really, and I wish I had. I just held his hand and put an arm around his chest sometimes.
I want him back and I can't make it up to him now. There is nothing I can do.
