grief, feeling pointless

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

4 Oct 2010

please don't read this if you want to read something possitive.

It has been 2 months and 17days since my beautiful loving and brave husband passed away. It will be 4 months tomorrow since our wedding day, which makes it 4 months and 1 week since his diagnosis, which was terminal from the start, do not pass go do not collect £200. No hope of cure, but he was still so determined to fight it and it was all taken from him so fast it feels so unfair.

And now there is me, left behind, alone. feeling horribly guilty I didn't see how ill he was, wondering how much difference a few weeks or even months earlier diagnosis would have made to the outcome. Would we have felt less cheated if he had had the chance to fight? I don't know, and I never will. He was soo brave. I miss him soo much.

I am now struggling to see what the purpose for me is. I have always had a strong feeling in my life that I had a purpose. I worked hard and became a doctor from a less than privalaged background, I commited to my husband many years ago, we had just not done the wedding, but we were married in every other sense for over 11 years. I always thought that if you work hard, are good to people, honest and fair that you got what you deserved. Well that theory has been blown right out of the water hasn't it!!

I am now no longer a wife (as such of course I still feel married), I am not a mother ( because beeing responsible we were planning that for the next step, now my carrer is progressing well) and I am not fit to be a doctor. I ask you would you trust someone who could not see that right under their noses. I can make all sorts of excuses for why I didn't see it comming but they dont help, it still boils down to the fact I didnt. so what am I now? why do I get up in the morning? I don't really know at the moment.

I know I am having a bad day, that I have not felt quite like this every day, but it is certainly like this more if I am alone. and unfortunately I now live alone. family have been very supportive but they can't always be here, because here is 110 miles from home. I only have a few friends in this city.

I see other peoples possitive posts and feel that maybe there is a way through but then I realise no matter how hard I work or how possitive I try to be he won't be comming back.

FormerMember over 14 years ago

oh temple , what can i say hun, ive been where you are and its so hard to see a way out, but their is ,i promise, im proof of that ,no it wont bring him back but you will respect and honour his memory everytime you smile or take that little step forward, then if im honest you will prob take 10 steps back i did ,

I have had an awful weekend which i wont go into but it shook me up dreadfully BUT i have pulled myself through it again , i will not be beaten and i have the smile back on my face again , ive also not been very well so been to see my gp today who is just lovely , and hope im on right track again now ,

on this site i have some amazing friends ,one in paticular who always listens and then puts a smile on my face,

Have u thought of trying chat on here , we a lovely bunch and you can talk ,cry , scream ,rant anything you like, i bet we can make you smile and laugh too,

and just to finish , not sure how much my opinion is worth but as a patient i would love a dr like you to treat me as you would have such empathy ,and when the times right you will know and will be back on the wards

take care jenni x
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

I don't lok on your post as negative - coming on here and explaining your feelings is a very positive thing to do. Time is a great healer - it doesn't make things better but it does make things easier. At the moment you are going through the phase of "what if I done more, what if I had done so and so" and that is entirely natural - gulit after losing a loved one can be overwhelming but gradually, slowly at first, the good memories will start to come through and replace the bad ones.

Gradually, you will

keep smiling

love

Drew

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FormerMember over 14 years ago

I second what Drew says - this site is meant for exactly what you have done - talking about your feelings. I'm so sorry about your husband, I've read your profile, and it all happened shockingly quickly for you. I think it takes a lot longer than people imagine for the shock of everything to wear off, and it will take a long time for you to be able to gather yourself together in some sort of 'recovery'.

Don't listen to others who say 'you should be 'this', or 'you should be 'that' by now - stuff them, just take one day, one hour, whatever, at a time. I, too, have been so low I wanted to die - and I'm not exaggerating. When I found out my son had a massive tumour (after my own diagnosis) I felt I didn't want to go on at times. The only thing that made me get up in the morning was wanting to support him through it. I'm sure you are a good doctor and in the future, will use your knowledge and wisdom to help others. Think how proud your man would have been of you. Take care, Jeanie
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Dear Temple, don't be so hard on yourself. You've been through a terrible time, and you need time. As I've seen from others, there is no right or wrong way to feel when you are grieving. Just take a day at a time and hopefully you will begin to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. Sending you love, Val X
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi temple Im sorry you are feeling so low. Remember you told me in a previous post not to feel guilty we are only human and try to do our best for our loved ones. You did as much as you could in the circumstances I think it is part of the greiving process. I'm just taking a day at a time it is very hard but sending you strengh. Take care.
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