please don't read this if you want to read something possitive.
It has been 2 months and 17days since my beautiful loving and brave husband passed away. It will be 4 months tomorrow since our wedding day, which makes it 4 months and 1 week since his diagnosis, which was terminal from the start, do not pass go do not collect £200. No hope of cure, but he was still so determined to fight it and it was all taken from him so fast it feels so unfair.
And now there is me, left behind, alone. feeling horribly guilty I didn't see how ill he was, wondering how much difference a few weeks or even months earlier diagnosis would have made to the outcome. Would we have felt less cheated if he had had the chance to fight? I don't know, and I never will. He was soo brave. I miss him soo much.
I am now struggling to see what the purpose for me is. I have always had a strong feeling in my life that I had a purpose. I worked hard and became a doctor from a less than privalaged background, I commited to my husband many years ago, we had just not done the wedding, but we were married in every other sense for over 11 years. I always thought that if you work hard, are good to people, honest and fair that you got what you deserved. Well that theory has been blown right out of the water hasn't it!!
I am now no longer a wife (as such of course I still feel married), I am not a mother ( because beeing responsible we were planning that for the next step, now my carrer is progressing well) and I am not fit to be a doctor. I ask you would you trust someone who could not see that right under their noses. I can make all sorts of excuses for why I didn't see it comming but they dont help, it still boils down to the fact I didnt. so what am I now? why do I get up in the morning? I don't really know at the moment.
I know I am having a bad day, that I have not felt quite like this every day, but it is certainly like this more if I am alone. and unfortunately I now live alone. family have been very supportive but they can't always be here, because here is 110 miles from home. I only have a few friends in this city.
I see other peoples possitive posts and feel that maybe there is a way through but then I realise no matter how hard I work or how possitive I try to be he won't be comming back.
T
