Had a couple of ok days but very low and scared again tonight

Bless you you are not alone! I’ve been in tears today although I’ve had surgery and confirmed as 1b - which is positive. Somehow the requirement for radiotherapy has made it real all over again!

Thanks travellinggirl. Why do you need radiotherapy if it's only stage 1?? 

It’s belt and braces to ensure there are no stray cells. Definitely the right thing to do - just prolongs the recovery! It’s an emotional rollercoaster.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low today it is of course completely understandable. You're bound feel a gambit of emotions on your Cancer journey. I know I certainly went through it, and felt so totally, and utterly alone at times. 

You're in the right place here to vent your feelings as we've all been through it or are going through it. The waiting is the hardest time for results to come through and our mind is just race with possibilities, that aren't great. Most important thing for you to do now, is to look after yourself to try and keep the stress low, so that you are strong enough to deal with the next stage whatever comes. I certainly changed my diet to more wholesome and nutritious food with the idea that my body would be ready for the treatments to come and to heal when they were over.

I am sending you the biggest hug. X

Thank you Roxanna. I do eat healthily anyway and take supplements etc. I've possibly been drinking more alcohol than I should   Coping mechanism. Thanks for the hug. X

Hi Jacki

Am sorry that you are feeling low and in the circumstances it is perfectly natural. Having a cancer diagnosis can make you feel like the carpet has been pulled from under your feet. It can make you question everything and also bring up memories. I can understand that at times things can feel hopeless. I found the bit when I was first diagnosed but still having the tests was really hard. Everything still feels up in the air and you don't know what is going to happen and when. Once I had all the scans etc done, a provisional idea of the stage and a date for the op- it did feel better in that it felt more in control. The plan made a bit of difference. 

I also recognise the feeling of the rest of the world going about their daily life and it can make you feel alone. But you are not- we are here. Why not give the Support Line a call and have a chat. They are there till 8 and on again at 8 in the morning. 

You are not being negative and do please feel that you can vent on here if needed. Sometimes just writing it down and acknowledging how you feel can help. There are lots of lovely ladies on here at all different stages in their journeys, and we do understand- we have been where you are now. To go through losing your husband and now this diagnosis, be gentle on yourself- it is a tough journey at times and we can not take that away- but we are here for you.

Jane

Hi Jacki, 

I am not sure if this is helpful or not, I hope it will be as I wanted to offer support as your post struck a deep chord within me. For me,.my cancer diagnosis and surgery triggered a while heap of stuff beyond the actual cancer and opened up a real sense of being helpless and a hopelessness that was triggered from the past and I am still working on this; however, I was sometimes feeling that there was nothing that seemed to help and this was in part due to the complexity of it being a mixture of the cancer and the CPTSD. I wonder whether your diagnosis and the inevitable feelings and fears that accompany this has reopened your grief and the trauma of losing your husband and wonder if it would help to spend some time giving voice to that as well as your fears etc around the cancer? 

I would definitely echo Jane's advice and think about using the helpline, I found the online chat to be really supportive at times I felt like I was drowning.

Take good care and keep reaching out.

Thanks B74. I've had more than my fair share of stress and trauma  in my life. Although so much to be grateful for too.  My childhood wasn't the best and I spent many years in and out of therapy  dealing with the experience of living with what I now believe to a narcissistic father who took great delight in humiliating and shaming me   I now recognise his "voice" for the most part but wonder if some of my current feelings are linked to this.   Thank you 

Jacki 

Hi again Jackie, just to say that I grew up with a narcisstic mother who was not only violent towards me from about age 5-6 but also sought to control me with guilt trips, shame and humiliation, so I’d say it’’s indeed likely it’s connected to this. I’d say the violence did less damage than the mind control and manipulation. I’m 64 but it was only 24 years ago (when I trained as a counsellor) that I was able to more fully work on my own issues. In only the last couple of years I’ve also come to realise that I always likely have ADHD and am possibly also on the autistic spectrum - possibly from the childhood damage.  Also, when we grow up in that kind of atmosphere it’s common to think we have to control everything and that everything is our fault (and responsibility) because we’ve been raised to think that, and it’s hard-wired in resulting in what’s something called hyper-responsibility. An example of feeling hyper-responsible would be being unsure re emotional boundaries and feeling that they shouldn’t “bother” anyone else with how you’re feeling as they must have their own stuff to deal with.. It would be fairly usual for someone from an abusive childhood say, being diagnosed with cancer, to think that it was their fault, that they must have done something wrong to deserve this, that someone up there didn’t like them, that it’s punishment etc. Which can then make it harder to accept and work through. 

Thanks Marmite. I did some counselling training about 10 years ago. gave up when my husband was diagnosed because I felt I was dealing with enough and also it wasn't fair to take my own situation into the counselling room etc.  I too wonder about ADHD.  I recognise some of the symptoms in myself although I am high functioning.  I do indeed, feel like I need to be in control and worry that “someone up there” is punishing me.   I used to think my father would find a way to come back and get me even after he died.  He died 2 years ago aged 92.  Even knowing that all of this comes from his “voice” and knowing how I would work with someone with these issues, it’s a whole other ball game when it’s been your coping mechanism for your whole life.  If I can only do better, be better, act different etc.  I’m an only child so no siblings to share it with.   I need to work on doing the day to day coping with a stage at a time.  Can’t help feeling that if I was a better person etc though …………