My little sister has breast cancer

Hi Vicky,

I'm so very sorry to hear the news about your sister. It's not quite the same distance, but I live alone in France and my family is in the UK. In 2021 I had stage 2 tnbc and I know that my family felt so helpless and far away and they couldn't wait to come here and 'help out'. The reality was that I am also very independent and it felt a bit smothering to manage other people at the same time that I had so much going on (especially non French speakers).

The best way that people helped me throughout it all was the phone calls and listening when I wanted to just describe how I was feeling or to complain or to talk about non-cancer related things. The initial reaction is to be with them right away, but actually, the hardest part of a cancer journey is once treatment is well underway as the side effects are cumulative. I told my mum not to come over right away, but we planned that she would come for a few weeks towards the end of my treatment when I would be the most tired and actually need help. She did end up coming over briefly before then, just to see that I was ok and once she saw I was, she was more at ease. I facetimed a lot of family and friends throughout (helps to see people too) and this was really nice as I knew that I always had someone to listen to me when I needed. I guess when you live abroad anyway this becomes the norm! Maybe give your sister a bit of time to figure out the pieces of her cancer puzzle (because there is so much that's unknown in the beginning) but once she has her treatment plan, could you plan to visit her at a time when she might need? Hopefully that then gives you time to plan things at your end too. And in the inbetween time, you will not be a hindrance messaging and calling her, she will appreciate it and know how much you care.

Cancer treatment was not at all how I envisioned - I still worked, I still went to the gym, I went to the hospital by bike, I did day to day tasks. Sure, things were harder and I experienced some not-so-pleasant side effects, but when I first found out, I had visions of being bed bound and vomiting and neither of those happened!

Wishing you and your sister the best of luck xx