Excluded and unsure what to do

I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriends father. This must be a very emotional time for the family given the bleak prognosis. 

I’m not sure whether my response will help you or not but we are all different in how we conduct ourselves once diagnosed with this dreadful disease.

I personally was very open with family and friends about my diagnosis, prognosis and treatment and have been lucky to receive a tremendous amount of support from them throughout my treatment. This has helped me remain positive and strong mentally.  I proudly walk around with no hair for the second time in 9 months. I can’t wear eye make up at the moment due to side effects affecting my eyes so am make up free...something I would not have done pre diagnosis. I have had a pre chemo party, a pre surgery party which was also a fundraiser for CRUK and am currently planning my post treatment party for next month.

My sister who was diagnosed before me was much more private and only a very close circle of family were fully aware of what she was going through. She didn’t let anyone other than her partner and son see her without her wigs and full make up, not even Mum or her sisters.  The only social interaction she had was with her sisters and nieces. Although she is now in remission, there are not many people outside of close family who know she had cancer. 

I sympathise with your situation. I can’t imagine how isolated you must feel and also abandoned by your partner. It must be very upsetting for you but given the diagnosis I am sure the family are even more upset and struggling to cope. However, I feel you must accept the decision to only include immediate family at this time, especially as his diagnosis is terminal. He may not want people to know, or pity him or be seen by non family members as his health declines.  This is a very personal choice by them and your boyfriend obviously wants to honour their wishes even if this hurts you. Be there for your boyfriend and make sure he knows that if the family need anything you are there for them. Continue to make soup - just don’t expect a thank you every time. Send flowers to his mum or a card just so they know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate these gestures even if they don’t verbalise it.

I can understand why your boyfriend feels the need to stay close to home. It sounds as though you don’t know the prognosis for his father. It may only be weeks and in his shoes I wouldn’t want to be far from my Dad’s side just in case the end came when I was away. 

As I said at the start, I’m not sure that this response will help you deal with your feelings but it is important to recognise that we are all different and react differently in these situations. I hope you are able to stay strong, for your sake and your boyfriends as he will need you by his side to help him cope with his grief once his father passes.