A question for the wives

Hello Sad wife  A warm welcome to the online Prostate Cancer Community.  I am not one of the wives, however I am sure there will be plenty of them along to answer your question. My concern is your support - you can't fight your husbands's cancer alone, and I hope you don't mind me stepping in with a few ideas:

* Do you have a "Maggie's" center near you. Maggie's is a cancer charity providing help and support for cancer patients and their families - here's a link to them: https://www.maggies.org/cancer-support/

* We have another forum for Carers and you could join this forum for help, support and ideas to help you husband - again, here's the link you need : Carers only forum .

* Our support line on 0808 808 00 00 (8am - 8pm 7 days a week) can offer you some great advice and how to get that little bit of extra help you may need.

You do need to look out for yourself as well as your husband.

I hope the above helps - if I can do anything else for you please don't hesitate to contact me.

Best wishes - Brian.

Hi Sad Wife,

I was just going to bed but felt I had to give you a quick reply. I am one of the many wives who are fighting this rollercoaster with our husbands. It would be helpful to know more about his cancer i.e., when he was diagnosed, what treatment he has been offered and maybe his age etc.. 

Armed with that, we will have a better idea of what you are coping with and for how long and can better relate to your story. 

It isn't easy, but you will probably find some hidden strength you never know you had. Try and get a good night's sleep and I, and I know many others, will get back to you tomorrow.

Gina

Like you, I fell apart in the early stages of this journey. I moved through all the emotions - fear, anger, grief for a life changed, shock!  These did settle over time and with the support of family and friends and some very kind people posting here. I still have times of being hit by the ‘what’s ifs?’ , though.  

I think any cancer diagnosis comes as a shock to the patient and the family. However . I think very much about the positives too. As Sidsmum says, we do find a strength we didn’t know we possessed. There are other illnesses out there that are equally bad if not worse. Treatments for prostate cancer are improving all the time. We have good days on this journey and we can make the most of them.  I also try to keep busy! As you can see from the time of this reply - insomnia remains a big issue! 

It sounds as if you are receiving active support from your GP. I’m not sure how long you have been taking the antidepressants but sometimes they do take a few weeks to kick in and help.

i really hope that you can feel reassured that the emotional turbulence you are feeling right now is something all us wives seem to go through but we can and do settle into a new ‘way of being’. The diagnosis brings an altered life and outlook but that life is still worth living and there remain good days ahead for you. 

do let us know how things are going. We are a very caring group and lots of people here will hold your hand as we all walk this path together

I wish you all the very best on this journey < hugs>

Good morning Sad wife.

I am another wife who is also walking this journey with my husband for the last 3.5 years. As usual Gina and Worried Wife have expressed things very well and better than I can. It is the fear of the unknown, along with having all your expectations for the future suddenly put into doubt that you have to come to terms with but we do adjust and find an inner strength that we never knew we had. Talking to a friend, relative or someone else who understands what you are going through is a help, which is why such places as Maggie's are so good. Also don't bottle things up and talk to your husband about how it is affecting you if you can as it is very much a shared journey. I also found that learning as much about the cancer and treatment options was a great help, but don't use Dr Google, instead rely on sources like Prostate Cancer UK and Macmillan. I have found that keeping busy helps but also making sure that I have 'me' time doing the things I enjoy. It is important to keep yourself as fit and healthy as possible. 

The first few months were the most difficult, but after the initial treatment had finished we fell into a routine and just got on with enjoying life, albeit in a different way. We don't put off doing things but we have put our house in order with things like wills. It gave us a wake up call to evaluate what is important to us, to ditch the unnecessary and just enjoy what remains of our time together (my husband is on a non curative pathway). I can also say it has brought us closer together.

Please come back with any questions no matter how small or silly you might think them, we have all done it. Also remember that you have a whole new group of friends on here who understand what you are going through.

Hello Sad Wife, please try not to despair too much, I know how hard it is at the beginning of this journey, it feels like you have been hit by a train. I will always remember Millibob giving me great advise at the start of our journey. The worst part is the waiting for initial consultations after you have had scans & biopsies, followed by appointments,asking the decision on which treatment path to go down, it really is all so stressful. I can now tell you that my husband was diagnosed on 6th July 2023 with stage 4 aggressive cancer, which had spread to his bones. Now you can imagine how I was feeling, not eating, not sleeping & still trying to be positive & strong for him but I must say he was much, much stronger than me. Well now I can tell you where we are. He had his last chemo on 29th January, has had great results, treatment worked well, his PSA level has dropped from 1,600 to 0.7, his bloods are great, his bones are healing & we are in a much better place now. I am almost back to my normal self now, sleeping better, eating better & we just went today & booked a 10 night stay in Spain, leaving next Friday. Things do get better, I cannot deny it is still always in the back of my mind & another word of advise that I would give you is to keep as active as you can, should it be small walks. In July last year I thought my world had ended & I cannot believe that 7 months later I am where I am, looking forward to holidays with my husband. So please try & stay positive as much as you can, things do start to get better as you work through this journey. I hope this will give you a little consolation, you are not on your own & you will come out the other end with the help of positivity & reassurance. Take good care of yourself.

Baileybella 

I am so pleased for you and your husband Baileybella. Have a lovely holiday, you both deserve it. It is great to hear from anyone who has good news.

Thank you Alwayshope, I am in the same position as you, my husband's PC is incurable but we were told very treatable & I know it is early days but so far everything is good & our oncologist is very optimistic bcz the treatment has worked so well for my husband. I hope your hubby continues to do well also, we just have to try & stay as positive as we can & grasp at all the good opportunities that come our way.

Baileybella 

Hi Sad Wife,

Yes, I know how you feel. My husband diagnosed with advanced incurable PC last November. I remembered the first meeting with the urologist having the results and the word incurable flying in the consultant room. Then he pulled out the first HT treatment and wrote to the oncologist. I consider myself very strong, I had a brain surgery 10 years ago. With all my strength and inner power I felt cold and dark and helpless. It was a Thursday, its our grandparents duties night, so speechless we collected the kids and put them to bed and then we started to talk. What have we done wrong? Husband had PSA every 6 months, we had reassurance that it is not cancer only enlarged prostate. We were angry and shocked. Same night I discovered this community and I realized very quick that this is NOT THE END. This community is brilliant, I learnt so much from people with the same problems as ours. 

As they all say here, the worse part is before treatment start. When the treatment start and IT WORKS, Psa start dropping and you just go into a new journey and new routine. My husband doing well, tolerate the treatment and live life as normal. He is now swimming his daily 60 lanes.

As they all say: be active, keep him active , go to nature walks and stick with this community. They all been there and know PC journey well.

with all my love

Dafna from Brighton

Baileybella. You are so right about being positive. My husband saw his urologist on Thursday who said that he is doing so well because of our attitude but did tell me off for feeding him too well. Also hubby had his first haircut, or tidy up at least, since finishing chemotherapy in October so he no longer looks like a Mohican. As our oncologist said, he can do 50%, the other 50% is down to us in terms of positive attitude and lifestyle.

Get packing and don't forget the factor 50.

Do you mind me asking Alwayshope, was your husband diagnosed 3.5 years ago and did the cancer return, I am just a little confused as he finished chemo in October ?