Maggie's again

Hi KJ911,

I have been there; thinking I am in control and then finding out that I was far from it.  Is Maggie's a form of cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT)?  

I had CBT about 5 months after my operation and like you I found out just how much I had been hiding and lying to myself.  It took about 9 sessions to work through all my issues and to arrive at a set of tools that help.  I have great days and still the odd bad day like today.  Friday's are always my worst day of the week as I am now retired and my wife works a shift from 7 am on Friday to 9 am on Saturday.  I find it so hard being without her to cheer me up, but the tools that get me through do work.  I use meditation to calm myself and to focus on what is triggering me.  Then I take control of that situation and work on it.  At the moment, my current down mood is because I have a weak back after surgery and can't pick up my nearly 4 year old granddaughter.  It sounds silly but I feel sad that I miss out, but also guilty because it means my wife has to do all the heavy lifting when I have already been such a burden on her while I was recovering from the operation.  It's the little things that get me when I am on my own.  To take control, I will be looking to improve my diet and plan to talk to my doctor and get a physio referral.  My clinic has a physio who sees people on two days a week and the waiting list is about 4 weeks.

I so hope you get the same benefits, if it is CBT or something similar.  Please never stop venting on here as we all want to support you and cheer you on.

Hello KJ911 

Thank you for starting this thread - many people would just "bottle up" their thoughts and emotions so you, bringing yours out into the open will help others to know that they are not alone. 

A cancer diagnosis and the subsequent treatment with all it's side effects is a life changing event. Everyone reacts in a very different way. Help is there but first of all you need to recognise that you need help and then you need to reach out for it.

For anyone reading this post - here are a few options you may consider:

* Maggie's - this is a cancer charity where you can call in, no appointment needed and over a tea or coffee you can chat to their staff and be pointed in the direction of specialist help - Maggie's,

* AndyManClub - Although set up as a suicide prevention charity they offer help with your mental health - AndysManClub.

* Men's Sheds - Again - somewhere for men to gather and talk - Men's Sheds.

* Information on Talking-therapies.

* IF it's all too much please do contact Samaritans - 24 hours a day - call 116 123,

* There's our Support Line too on 0808 808 00 00 (8am to 8pm 7 days a week.

* If you wish to vent in writing here's a link for you The Room - a little space you can vent, post and then close the door and walk away.

The Community is always here for you - my message box is open, no friends request needed if you wish to contact me with a private message - we are all in this together.

To KJ911 and Paul65plus1 - Thank you for your posts. I hope by posting this has helped you both in your personal circumstances and remember you are not alone - we are here for you.

Kind regards - Brian.

Brian, you have such a kind sole, thank you.

I cried harder on Wednesday than I had ever cried. I remember coming out of the first appointment when I was told that I had cancer. My wife was crying and I did not. It has taken me 18 months to cry because I was too busy and too frightened.

I didn't think I was bitter about my cancer diagnosis, but I am, I am furious. I do not want it and the thought of having it hurts me to my soul. But I now admit it.

Hello KJ911 

In this world of ours we are all different - and that's what makes us individual. We all have feelings, thoughts and we all see things slightly differently.

Indeed I consider myself a "lucky boy" being married to Mrs Millibob. She's a Registered general / Registered mental health nurse and we have had mental health issues in the family. Although I don't profess to fully understand mental health we have had some cracking debates about it and I understand many of the signs and issues that come with the diagnosis.

I look at myself and know I am in a good place - yet I can cry for England. Working as I do around the Community - not just on our group - I read things, and reply to things that perhaps some would shy away from. But to be honest the more I help others - the better I feel in myself.

You are doing great - you have accepted the fact you feel bitter about your diagnosis and that's the issue that needs to be addressed. When I have had a bad day (and they are few and far between) I concentrate on the good things in life my wife, my children and grandchildren (there's another one on the way!) and life is good.

Yes, I know I can't be cured, but I am going to have a dam good time enjoying what time I have left  - doing what I like - come and join me - it's great. Life is good.

You can do it.

Kind regards - Brian.

What a great inspirational post Millibob thank you. You have lifted my spirits on reading it.

best wishes Richard 

Millibob said:

Yes, I know I can't be cured, but I am going to have a dam good time enjoying what time I have left  - doing what I like - come and join me - it's great. Life is good.

I have become quite insular, cutting ties and interests. So I have reinstated contact with a number of people, arranged golf and intend rejoining the Lodge. I think I have lost a great deal of my identity, it has been a slow decline.

I am extremely fortunate with the support of my wife and daughter, yet it was those to whom I directed my anger. I am trying, but I have probably had 18 months of evasion of the issues. 

Time to regroup.

KJ911 said:

Time to regroup.

Yes - that's the attitude. I find now at 70 I don't have enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do! Family, Holidays, Friends - I have had to start keeping a diary so I don't miss or forget anything.

Off to Stoke on Trent in half an hour with some friends to watch Oldham Athletic in what was the League Cup - I think I will need my sun cream!!

Enjoy the love and affection from your wife and daughter - they will understand it's the cancer and I am sure as you say "I am trying" they will realise you are getting there and I hope you get back to the pre-diagnosis "You" as soon as possible.

Kind regards - Brian.

Hi KJ911, I know exactly where you are coming from, I was diagnosed in February and although I have reached some kind of acceptance of my situation I will always be angry about what has happened to me and how unfair life can be.  My diagnosis has completely ruined my life.  I almost feel like I'm not living a proper life anymore, just waiting to die instead.  I have tried to snap myself out of it but that feeling kind of never goes away and is always there in the background. The only thing that makes me smile and makes me happy these days is spending time with my beautiful daughter but even that is tinged with sadness because I don't know how long I've got.  Family and friends look at me and think I'm doing ok and coping well but it's all a front.  I literally spend my days now just putting on that brave face.  I hope one day I do turn a corner and stop being so angry with life, who knows, only time will tell

Hello String 

Thank you for your post - I understand just where you are with that and indeed it's good that you have been able to share your feelings and that you realise there's an issue here. Help is there for you BUT you need to reach out for it - you have started by posting your thoughts above. 

Here's a few ideas for you:

* Does your hospital have a "Maggie's". This is a cancer charity where you can drop in - no appointment required, and chat about your thoughts over a brew. 

* Have you had a word with your GP - They can set you up with some counselling.

* How about having a "Telephone Buddy"  -here at Macmillan we can allocate you with a "Buddy" who will call you once a week to chat - it can be anything football, beer, even cancer  - but it's a chance to unwind with someone who knows and cares - details here - Macmillan Buddies.

* How about visiting your local Andysmanclub. It's not just suicide prevention - it's where a problem can be shared and sorted.

* There's our Support Line on 0808 808 00 00 (8am to 8pm 7 days a week). Give them a call, have a chat, tell them how you feel - it will help,

I hope the above helps - we've all been there where it looks like the end of the road and there's no way out - but there is. You have reached out with your post above, now take the next step.

If I can do anything for you or you want a chat my message box is open - I don't need a friend request.

Best wishes - Brian.

String - Millibob is a guiding beacon.

I had my second counselling session at Maggie's yesterday. Thus far my identified issues are:

Anger re having cancer and not expressing that to anyone

Fear of outcomes and the future, again not discussed with anyone

An internal family issue that I am now addressing

Not being selfish and continually attempting to protect my family

Anger over others attitude toward my illness

Saying I am OK!

Finally being able to balance my good life with another parallel life of having cancer

I have to work with all of these issues and expressing them to a neutral has been both painful and yet provides a form of release.

Yesterday I managed a session with very few tears.

You are not alone, be brave and seek a little guidance, I assure you they have heard it all before. 

Best wishes