Dad

Things are bad but out of your hands at the moment.

Obviously without a power of attorney signed and registered you are stuck with pushing him verbally to move his backside to help himself.

Clearly thee is no confirmed diagnosis yet and that is what you are trying you very best to arrange.

The thing about his position is that he and you are guessing what stage and freedom score he is which means on a positive view all could be ok and if you’re being negative all hope is lost. But the thing is that until you get a diagnosis your guess is as good as mine.

Despondency and being prickly is enough of a hurdle but with privacy and stubbornness you can only do so much.

Can you talk to his and your GP? Your GP might be able to help you on two ways. One, to help you with a little bit of self sufficiency with counselling or two, medication. And your dads GP might be able to go and make a house visit and gee him up with his self belief and hope and also help him with gauging the situation and help needed for the urology/oncology side of things.

Look after yourself first.

How old is he? Has he had any treatments lately for anything? Is he on any urology medicine?

You need a plan with the help of the clinical experts asap to allow everyone to understand and help.

Good luck

He’s got prostate cancer , it’s been confirmed through a x ray , prostate cancer spread to his hip and spine all is not ok he’s deteriating fast unfortunately and I honestly don’t no what to do from here 

x

Hello Disneylandb3ad46 

Sadly dad is doing what many men do - and that's trying to ignore the calls and appointments as he's a man and we all think we are built to last and nothing can be wrong with us and we don't need intervention!! He's not the first who has acted in this way and won't be the last!!

The causes are many - fear, anxiety, loss of dignity, embarrassment denial or even the onset of dementia.

The only honest answers are to choose the right time to talk to him. Emphasize the words "we" and "support", check what his goals are and don't lecture him.

As at the moment you may be his next of kin and this gives you limited powers . so the next steps must be a meeting (recorded without him) with his GP to express your concerns. If there's no progress there then you need to contact Social Services as he may need help and an assessment as to his mental capacity.

The other possible idea I have is has he any friends he trusts who can talk him round? If they have the right connection, his trust and the information from you it just might work.

Don't forget our Support Line on 0808 808 00 00 (8am - 8pm 7 days a week is there for YOU and dad - you do need to look after yourself.

Best wishes - Brian.

Hi thankyou for you reply , yes it’s been confirmed a xray showed cancer on prostate hip and spine and with the psa levels it’s shown active cancer , his kidney failed in 2023 and this is were it all started he has wore a cathator bag since which helps a lot with his urine, it’s only in the last few months I’ve noticed him go down hill , made him go for xray and this is when it’s all come out , it’s been horrible for me as a daughter , my dad got told in 2023 he would have to go back for his prostate out but because he’s had 2 really good years he stupidly ignored it like he does eveything and now he’s landed in this utter mess , a lot of it is embarrassment and the fact he is so deep and private but it’s too late for all that now , I wish he would start working with the people who are bending over backwards for him 

so far he’s had 

X-ray 

full bloods 

urine sample 

psa bloods 2 lots 

ct scan 

and now they want him in for a mri 

since writing the fist post he has accepted he needs help and fast but weather he will do anything about it I don’t no , he’s loosing weight and just really withdrawn from eveything and so not mobile , I’m ringing his gp on Monday I want them to come out to him AGAIN. But all they say is your dad doesn’t need hospital his is clinically fit , we’re not doing anything until we have everything together , they had a meeting yesterday and have his ct results which they want to discuss with him but weather he will go or not I do not no 

I’ve begged him to , but the doctor said he is housebound at the moment so I’m thinking he may be able to get results this once over the phone 

wish us luck WE WILL NEED It !!!! 

I’m thinking there looking more in depth of his spine as they won’t want him to get the trapped spianl cord damage , and because he’s completely off his feet it’s concerning to be honest , I’ve even questioned has he possibly broke something 

I do wish you both luck and it’s great news that he’s moved slightly on the right direction, towards an intervention.

His inability to get out must mean that another option should be made for him to get all the results. Obviously a letter would help but they are notoriously hard to read for various reasons. But certainly after the MRI he will need to pick himself up and get involved in the complete data download, when the MDA multi disciplinary assessment is done and his treatments are evaluated. So it’s then, after the MDA that you’ll need to sweep him up and get home to a face to face meeting.

After the heat dies down from all the shock and the new normal he’s living it likely he will toe the line, till then be gentle with yourself and him and keep talking to us or someone who can give you a calm interpretation of his status, your position and your options. But until all the data is collected you are not going to know enough to help you understand what’s happening inside.

Keep your and his head calm and be patient for the full diagnosis.

Good luck

Hello  Disneyland, I can identify somewhat with this! When my husband was going through all the tests etc he attended all the appoints in body but not in mind! He refused to engage with anybody, even with me, and completely withdrew within himself. His total silence about the whole issue came to an end the night before he had to self administer the micro enema and go for his radiotherapy scanning and tattoos. I asked him what time he wanted to leave home. His reply? ‘I’m not going!’ He steadfastly refused to go through with the radiotherapy - his only chance at cure! Suffice it to say he received some very stern words from me! We travelled to the hospital the next morning in total silence! He did go through with it in the end thanks to a wonderful radiologist who sorted him out! 

I suspect your Dad is absolutely scared silly of what he is going to hear and what they might put him through? His way of dealing with it is to shut it all out. 

if he is considered to have mental capacity then, I’m afraid that he has the ultimate choice in what is done and not done to his body. However, he needs to know that, without investigations leading to treatment he is shortening his chances of potential cure or extra years of life.

It’s a hard situation to find yourself in and I guess you have put the stark facts to him and have told him how worried you are about losing him?

I wish you luck!