Hi I just need to talk so if my post is long I'm sorry.
I was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in May this year and am still in shock. Ive been told it's very small and I'm lucky it was found so early. Its grown around one of the veins and so I've done 5 rounds of Chemo so far. I've been taking creon and although it gives me terrible wind! I've managed to maintain my weight. I live on jacket potatoes veg and lean meat. Boring but digestible. I also eat kids meals from the chilled section as they are plain and actually taste OK!! Lots of homemade soup easier to digest.
Since starting chemo I have weekly blood tests. Oncologist said when I started chemo my CA - 19 markers were over 150 and amazingly they are 44 as of Thursday last week. I'm confused as he said its not the number that counts its the trend of it decreasing which suggests the cancer has responded and shrank. Has anyone else had the experience of the protein markers going down?
I have another CT scan coming up and im terrified. The consultant said if its shrank I can have surgery or more chemo or radiation therapy? I feel its surgery or death and I've been so depressed lately and don't want to get up and I'm just constantly tired. Chemo wipes me out for days at a time. I have family and friends who are great.
A partner who I have only been with a year and I think he feels resentful. He doesn't want to be with me anymore as he had plans for his life but also he doesn't want to leave me. He says it's an impossible situation. He wants to travel but said he can't because of me. I think just go ! I don't need the guilt trip and constantly not knowing how long he's planning on sticking around. It's daily stress and makes me cry as I just don't need it. I have no idea if he is sincere or not! He has been a massive support but lately he looks bored when I try and talk to him.
I have 3 children. My middle son of 25 lives with me and is a great support. My daughter lives a couple of hours away but comes home when she can and helps me. I've been a single parent most of my life and have an older son of 31 we are very close. He is in complete denial and refuses to talk about my health. It is very stressful for me wanting him to accept it and talk because I can see its affecting him. I have a granddaughter of 2 and a half who is the light of my life.
I got a wig today and although it was a happy thing to actually have some hair it was also very sad.
I feel like I am always moaning about something to myself and I actually annoy myself! I am fortunate to have a loving mother, children and a grandchild, financially I am ok for now, I've had to go off sick from working as it was too much physically and unpredictable how I would feel week to week.
Life seems like one massive struggle and I want to shout at someone and be angry but there is no one to be angry with! It's the uncertainly of how long my life is that I struggle with and get upset about. I'm 52 and not ready to die just yet. Oncologist has never mentioned life expectancy and said he is going to get me through 12 rounds of Chemo and is positive things are going in the right direction.
Do I ask how long he feels my life expectancy is? Or just wait for him to tell me? Life is so confusing and up and down. One day I feel OK and can go out shopping. The next day my legs are too wobbly to stand and make a coffee and I just sleep. Is this just me?
I have accessed the counselling through macmillan and Bupa and start my first of six sessions next week. I'm hoping it will help.
Thanks for reading. I just needed to rant ! Much love to you all. XXX
