Late night ramblings

Hi all lovely friends please don’t take offence but this is to our lovely friend Pepys. So you’ve had a crappy day we get that. Scan results are never good. Sometimes we are delighted others very disappointed but always there is a result. So you’ve had some shrinkage and some growth. Well that sounds like even Stevens to me. In  couple of days you are going to have  a fabulous time in yay paree with your lovely brother and I can’t wait to hear all about it. Keep giving us the smiles my lovely friend I wanting hear all about it xxx

Hello Kate

Even Stevens indeed! I was disappointed not to see my own  oncologist but the registrar was very sweet and attentive. I felt very ‘racy’ from steroids...probably...and babbled. Most people, including doctors treating me, are surprised by how well I look given the size of the tumour. The relative lack of pain is also a puzzle. I’m glad they have learned to take the look of the patient into consideration because it can’t always fit together into a neat pattern.

It’s 4am and I’m thinking about the neighbour’s gardener’s car. I was glad the neighbour, Jan, didn’t witness events. She had made my life a bit of a misery since I moved in but has eased up recently after I became ill. Now it could have been difficult with her gardener but he’s such a nice man. 

The relief of getting these scans out of the way every three months is immense. I got in, lay down and decided to watch ‘Hit Chocolate At the BBC’. My goodness...Errol Brown...what can I say? Much stationary pelvic thrusting from Errol, bated breath from me. Ate a curry, treated myself to the G&T and have decided that Bombay Sapphire is better for my taste buds than the fancy lavender gin. Mind you, I fell asleep drinking the second so back on the hot milk! 

My son is in the midst of a cooking frenzy, having been given a new pasta making machine by his old job so he’ll be over later with something lovely. It’s really important to me lately because the problem of lack of taste persists and I need to keep my weight up. My legs look rather thin and weedy but I’m determined to build them up again.

Then there’s the baby, which is hugely exciting! DIL is getting bigger by the day and all looks very promising. 

I have a little stack of new books from Amazon and can’t wait to get my teeth in. 

Kate, i agree you’ve probably done a lot of your grieving already so it will be great to give yourself some treats. Do you have the bar open? Well a girl has to earn a living...

Did your sister and niece actually wear your mum’s clothes to the funeral? Was this an emotional signal, do you think? I couldn’t have worn my mum’s because she was several sizes larger than me. By the way, I found the image of the tent in Tanzania so luring and attractive. Great  memories for you Kate!

Pepys xx

Ps this should have been sent last night but I fell asleep 

Good morning all, 

Quite a chilly one here and I have the heating on. Disgraceful. Lovely cup of tea, I’m feeling much more relaxed now, knowing there won’t be another scan until August. I can live with that.

Nikki, interesting what you say about the difficulty of chemo penetrating pancreatic tumours becsuse of enzymes. Just been reading about macrophages. Now I get this but what’s is my pancreas is a lobular breast tumour and I don’t know what difference it makes. I didn’t ask the registrar yesterday.  She looked so young! Mainly we talked about Paris.,I have to pick up a letter from my oncologist confirming what’s wrong with me and what drugs I take. I quite fancy getting some discounts while I’m there. 

Vixen, what luck to live in Covent Garden! I would love that. I bought two places in London in the last few years., The first, plumstead in Greenwich...mistake...then decided to cut my losses and bought a crumbling old shack in Walthamstow, near the village. Suddenly Walthamstow become hugely popular which was great for me when selling. Thanks to job changes etc I decided to sell up and move to the south coast where I have a handful of friends. Hardly had i set up home when I became desperately ill. It was a shame as I was applying for jobs, renovating my house etc. We just don’t know what’s around the corner, do we? 

Time for another cuppa!

Pepys xx

Well Pepys that’s made me chuckle so much I have to say I’ve never really studied Errol Browns pelvis but I had to check it out on you tube straight away, good job you had the G&t! Speaking of which have you tried rhubarb and ginger gin? I have quite a gin menu and that’s our top seller and also my mums favourite. Personally I just like a dry gin best but maybe it would tickle your taste buds. 

Your neighbors gardener sounds lovely if you’re going to have a prang at least it’s with someone understanding. 

My sister from Guernsey who’s a hairdresser went home today but before she went I got myself a free haircut. It’s quite a radical crop from shoulder length to very little there and is extremely liberating. It feels like a time for change. 

I came back to work the day after my mum died as I had taken a week off before then a couple of days of for the funeral. That’s the joy of being self employed.  It is good to keep busy but admit my heart isn’t really in it and I’m thinking of other options. I used to have a lovely pub in a gorgeous village on the east coast but came to this bar after my mums diagnosis so I could be close to her. I need to stay around here for my dad but I’m feeling a little long in the tooth to work the ridiculous hours and keep a false smile permanently painted on. Who knows what is around the corner. 

I’m so happy that your trip to Paris is finally happening I hope you have your wardrobe planned. Plenty of your beautiful scarves and kimonos. I imagine you to be incredibly chic. I know you will have a fabulous time xx

Hi Kate

I remember when you moved bars to be with your Mum which was a wonderful thing to do. I’m sure things will work out well for you in due course .maybe the haircut is the first step!

Squeaky

Thanks squeaky 

I’m in no rush to make any big decisions but I do feel life must keep evolving. The hair is a great start it literally took a minute to style this morning, oh the freedom x

I'm a great believer that in life we need to evolve and change and move in new directions. My mother interpreted this as 'not sticking at anything'. My take is that I have had a lot of life experiences.

Squeaky

Rhubarb and ginger? Wow! Is that served with tonic?

It’s nice to change the hairstyle quite radically,,isn’t it??of course I don’t really have the choice. Gender fluid or nothing! There are a few whisps growing back. It’s a look you need to wear makeup with. Today I wore a red cotton skullcap with a colourful silk scarf over it, tied in a bow! I felt good this morning  and went out to buy a couple of things for my trip...really surprised that FOUR women came up to me to tell me how good I looked. Very flattered! It is so good for the confidence...I always fear I look like Baby Jane Hudson! 

Not sure where my sudden surge of energy has come from because I have been lying down for a couple of days feeling depleted. Yesterday I watched a 9-part documentary on the American Civil War...with little naps in between! The archive photos were amazing, so very moving! 

I discovered this morning that there’s been water coming through the upstairs landing, which appears to be the water tank. I’ve called the ex-husband and he’s promised to come to the rescue. Just hoping the ceiling doesn’t come through as this has happened before! Funny though that one isn’t half as fazed by stuff like this after the cancer experience....

Hope you are all well. 

Pepys xx

Hi Pepys, glad you are looking glam for your trip to Paris. Enjoy, and eat and drink lots!!!! Thank you for your kind words for me and my husband. I enjoy reading about everyones experiences, and keep reminding my husband how fortunate he is ( he knows that, he would tell you, because he is married to me!!!). Even through the tough times, we still laugh, my husband says that if he can't make me laugh at least once a day, then he has failed. Needless to say, we laugh a lot. 

Looking forward to hearing your adventures!!

Tilly

Why do cats sit on your laptop, especially where the shift and !! keys are!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello all. A sad day today - we had to have one of our wee budgies put to sleep as he’s been very poorly. We tried to find out what was wrong and paid for expensive tests which came back negative. His poop had gone bright yellow and he had lost all his sparkle - the vet said it was probably his liver or pancreas (oh, the irony).  My husband has been in Dubai with work all week and I’ve been nursing the bird and hoping for signs of improvement but it was not to be. When Simon came back yesterday he took one look and said “we have to let him go.” He went to the vets this morning and cried out when we put him in his traveling box. That broke me. The vet said we had done the right thing afterwards as they’re not allowed to sway you. She’s lovely - I had a long chat to her on Thursday and she said we were very sensible and sensitive owners. I had to think of my other bird too - he was finding not having a companion to interact with stressful. They are both young birds too - the one that went was only a year old and we’d had him for just four months. He came after my previous budgie died at the grand old age of fourteen in January, just after I finished my chemo. It was almost like he’d done his job keeping me company through treatment. That was very tough too. Pets are wonderful but they can break your heart too.

We then had to find a new companion for the remaining bird or else he would fret. Luckily our wonderful independent pet shop (where our fourteen year old boy had come from) had just had a small group of baby budgies in and there was a suitable boy for us. They don’t always have birds so we were lucky. So it’s back to the slow process of settling in a new baby and gradually introducing him to the other bird. They’ve already been chatting across the room to each other and things seem pretty good considering the new one has only been in the house for a few hours. We shall see how it goes. I am worn out from all the emotion.

Hope your trip to Paris goes well, Pepys. Bet you’ll outglam all the French ladies. And your new hair sounds swish too, Splodge.

Have a lovely rest of the weekend, everyone. Fingers crossed I won’t be making any more vet’s trips for a good long while! Have enough hospital appointments of my own!