Feeling angry and so many questions

Hi Tids, I’m sorry to hear about your Mum and how you are feeling at the moment it’s very natural to feel a range of emotions at diagnosis and when things appear to be going pear shaped, I’ve had my fair share of blips over the years but my reaction is usually to feel numb. I see you’ve found and joined in on the other current post for unknown primary melanoma which is what it seems your Mum has from me reading your posts.

When I was diagnosed with melanoma in my lymph nodes and no primary found it seemed hard to reconcile the two facts and I binge watched House, an old medical series starring Hugh Laurie as a Dr who specialised in unusual cases that needed to be diagnosed. It helped because before then I think as a logical thinker I don’t think I realised how difficult things might be to be diagnosed then symptoms don’t follow the usual pattern. I have no medical training but the tv always shows us breast cancer as the most common women’s cancer which when it spreads goes to the lymph nodes in your arms. I remember a while ago another lady who had a lump was being investigated for breast cancer first because of where the lump was situated and then was flabagasted when the biopsy came back as melanoma. From my own diagnosis path I had what they described as extensive lymphadenopathy in my abdominal and pelvic area, and because there was so much the initial thought was lymphoma and so when my biopsy came back melanoma I laughed in disbelief as I hadn’t been abroad for years and avoided the heat in this country. My melanoma is put down to perhaps sunburn in childhood and as my mother had died 3 months prior to my diagnosis I didn’t want to be angry at her. I couldn’t be angry at myself or the drs caring for me as I could see no clear path of wrong. 

I am not sure you’ve expressed a clear path of wrong, just that you’ve identified a disappointment that things have occurred this way and like I went through a stage of grieving for me and my future, you are now doing the same for your Mum. I’m hoping you don’t get stuck in the angry phase although they don’t follow any order, the lists I’ve read include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Lymph nodes are there to catch any particles that need to be got rid off, so the fact that one is hard or swollen doesn’t necessarily mean cancer and usually under 1cm is of no great concern as the body can deal with what ever it’s caught and reduce in size again, but of course it’s a big red flag when you have a cancer diagnosis, and especially if you feel unwell. 

You've already reasoned that other the blood tests are ok, although those are probably done to check any bad reaction to the immunotherapy which she may well restart after her surgery, because that’s what I did. The removal of the only cancerous nodes is often followed by a year of immunotherapy while we are monitored with scans every 3 months. You’ve already reasoned that’s scans are clear except presumably the swollen nodes that they are organising to remove. It’s difficult to think positive all the time and you’ve acknowledged that things are hard and they are especially in blips until a pattern of treatment settles down. Tv doesn’t help with the stories of people missed during covid awaiting for tests etc, but things were hard for the NHS to and sometimes you have to let go of the what ifs and let the hopes of successful treatment take over. 

It must be difficult if your Mum doesn’t want to talk and you can’t ask her questions, but that might not always be the case, she may be protecting you or may have difficulty processing things herself. There is another group on her for all types of cancers that may help you with your feeling of helplessness the Family and friends - Discussion Forum. From my point of view I like to find out things about melanoma, treatment and the emotional coping and I’m assuming that’s what has perhaps brought you here. My daughters live a big distance away and I’m not totally sure how they have coped, but we have regular contact by internet and I let them know how I’m feeling the hopes and also the fear in my blips tempered with ending on the hopes. Reading up on melanoma and it’s treatment may help you, people say don’t google but I think info finding on Macmillan information and support pages and this forum, Cancer Research and Melanoma Focus is helpful. It helps give a background of understanding from which you can get clarification. I can provide some links if you want.

Your Mum may be able to talk to her specialist nurse and give the nurse permission to talk to you or another relative about her case and if you tell your Mum how worried and sick it’s making you she may want to help you do just that. If she’s looking scared you may wish to rephrase that into wanting to know as much as possible so that you can be of help.

well I think that’s it for my mammoth post and I’m not sure you wanted my kind of reply at all, you probably wanted to just blow of steam which is perfectly reasonable.