Mixed feelings about my results

Hi lgrgdg90, I bet you are relieved that it’s stable and not worse, but stables a funny thing to put in context isn’t it, I remember once going to a cancer support meeting and saying my results at the time were stable, and I was congratulated when all I felt was disappointment that it wasn’t better. For me it was a strange feeling of being seemingly ungrateful, and wondering what was it that I was expecting. At times it was like you try so hard not to feel down that when you get a bit of good news it’s equally difficult to celebrate.

I’m still waiting my scan results but I’m currently (as of 24/4j clear after having my non responsive lymph node removed there’s always that little niggle isn’t there. I think I’ve been really lucky with my timing of results for 4 years now it’s been every 12 weeks a scan and then results at the next onc meeting 2 weeks later (except for twice when they had to ring me the next day with the results) This time my scan was 3 weeks later than normal and instead of 2 weeks for the results I’ve waited 2 weeks already and have another 2.5 weeks to go due to a shortage of radiographers. So I am feeling a bit like a spoiled brat at the moment cos my rhythm has all been upset. I should feel good that the team are confident that they don’t have to prioritise my results, and I’m feeling fine except like you the odd tiredness for a few days every treatment, there’s just the niggle that if things aren’t well I’ve had two treatments more than normal before I get my results. On the other hand I’m really feeling bored about the whole treatment lark, I’m just in need of a little regrouping of feelings a bit like you Lgrgdg90, at the moment. It could be so much worse for both of though couldn’t it. I was having my Pembro today and I was next to a person who was having chemo who was going to be there for hours, and she commented that I was one of the lucky ones as my treatment is so short. I didn’t feel very lucky when I was thinking how much treatment I’ve had since 2015. 

Im now in danger of bringing everyone’s mood down but it’s good to talk things through. I might have to start a positive thread like there is in the incurables group. I’ll give it some thought. 

Thank you very much for your prompt reply It has helped me a lot. I am normally a positive person but at times this illness gets you down.It is something we have to live with and I am grateful for all the treatment and care I get 

I will try to write 3 positive things a day and intend to buy a notebook today. I do try to enjoy life and in some weird way this illness helps me focus on prioritise eg Only see friends who are true friends and don’t bring you down and keep up my walking and days out with my husband. He has been my rock and has had a lot to put up with over these  last ten years.

Thank you again and good luck with your scan results. 

Thank you very much for your prompt reply It has helped me a lot. I am normally a positive person but at times this illness gets you down.It is something we have to live with and I am grateful for all the treatment and care I get 

I will try to write 3 positive things a day and intend to buy a notebook today. I do try to enjoy life and in some weird way this illness helps me focus on prioritise eg Only see friends who are true friends and don’t bring you down and keep up my walking and days out with my husband. He has been my rock and has had a lot to put up with over these  last ten years.

Thank you again and good luck with your scan results. 

Hi lgrgdg90, ahh walking and days out, that's what I do a lot of with my husband. Shorter walks after treatment and progressively longer walks coming up to treatment, and repeat. It is hard to keep positive all the time and unrealistic really, so come here anytime just to get things off your chest, some people use the emotional issues group for that as well. Sometimes it just feels better having the feeling out and expressed. I think I do (feel better) today to, so thanks for your post making me say whats been on my mind, I will try and put scan thought away in a virtual box now until nearer results day, well I might just do a blog first just to totally let off steam!.