Coming to the end - how on earth do you cope?

Hi LolaLouise

Im so sorry for what you are both going through. It is such a shocking thing to happen. My husband had cancer 3 years ago and everything was going well and all his check ups in the 3 years since were all clear. He started feeling unwell a year ago before he was finally diagnosed with terminal advanced lung cancer (unrelated to his first cancer) and this was so shocking for us. I am still in shock now and have yet to fully comprehend what has happened.

based on what I have been through, I think just sitting quietly in the same room as your partner will comfort him. The only touch my husband could handle was a very gentle, very light and soothing touches to his forehead, face and scalp. I couldn't hug him or lie next to him as it was too painful for him.

when I was in despair about how to help (which I tried not to show but sometimes I just couldn't help it), he would tell me I was already helping him in the best way, just by being there. When his family was also in the room, we tried to keep conversation as normal and silly as usual so there wasn't a heavy atmosphere but he knew he could just close his eyes and zone out whenever he needed to.

If there is an opportunity to use the services of a holistic therapist, I would strongly recommend this. My partner had never had a proper head massage or any sort of therapy like that in his life, but I convinced him to try it because I knew he liked it when I soothed his forehead. And the look of utter relief on his face when the therapist did her magic on him was just overwhelming. She did a mix of Indian head massage, reiki and probably other stuff too. If your partner can't bear his head being touched, they can work on limbs instead. This was offered in the hospice but if you have a Macmillan nurse, it might be worth asking about.

This is an awful, hard thing to have to go through and watch happen to the person you love, you will somehow cope and find the strength to get through, but just being there, even without saying or doing anything will probably be a huge comfort to your partner.

my thoughts and hopes are with you both. 

Hi , I’m sorry to hear about your husband, it’s not easy to shift focus from looking forward to treatment working to just being in the now of trying to enjoy the birds singing or the touch of a hand, and getting some comfort of knowing you are there for him.

You have had some great words from and I know you have the ‘supporting someone with incurable cancer’ group that you belong to as well as those here with experience. 

I to am hoping that you have the help of a local team to sort out any practical stuff, I love Moondog's words of keeping things normal and the patient enjoying the conversation around them and feeling they can go to sleep to it. I had that with my Mum (not cancer related) and sometimes she would just squeeze my hand gently to show she understood. 

My thoughts and hopes are with you also ((((hugs)))

Hi , I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you.

Hi LolaLouise,

I just wanted to send you my best wishes and I will be thinking of you and your partner.

Take care

J

Thanks everyone for your kind messages. Very sadly he passed away last week so I’m dealing with all the emotions around that but I do take comfort from the fact he’s no longer suffering. It’s been a hec of a journey & I wish everyone all the best with their own personal experiences x

I’m sorry to hear your sad news , my thoughts are with you.

This might not be the right time, but there is probably never a right time to mention that there is a group for bereaved spouses, and an ask an expert section that you might at some point consider using for support which I’m putting the link in just in case.

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/bereaved_spouse/discussions

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/ask_the_expert/ask_bereavement_support/discussions

I am so sorry for your loss.

Hi

Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss.

x