Reflecting back on last May

Im just airing some thoughts tonight as I have them whirring round instead of getting to sleep. Last May I was very wound up, due to a recurrence in a lymph node after being off treatment for a year. I took two short holidays one to Cromer while I awaited biopsy results that confirmed melanoma in the node, and another to my cousins in Dumfrieshire while I awaited another scan and a start of going back on Pembrolizumab.

Today Wednesday I should get my scan results, I say should cos I’m not feeling hopeful that my appointment will go well, I’m thinking that due to the bank holiday they won’t be ready and I will be all deflated and cheesed off. It has happened only once before that the results weren’t ready and they did ring me up as promised the next day, as the results are needed to give the go ahead for Friday’s next Pembro treatment. Silly isn’t it, I used to ponder before results day wether the results would be good or bad and now I’ve added a new ponder into the mix, will they be ready. I signed up for my hospitals new app, I can see when appointments are made for me in the chemo suite which is very useful as they have entered dates up to July at the moment. I should get to see test results like scans and blood tests, but none are appearing yet although I had a message to say I should see them automatically now when they are available, which is why I’m convinced they won’t be ready for my afternoons appointment.

I've been putting my positive head on as my scan results might herald an all clear again, now that I had the offending rogue node removed and the ones think Pembro is still working to stop any further potential spread. Just the odd doubt of wondering if the gap in treatment due to surgery might scupper my clear hopes, or the pondering that, if Pembro wasn’t working on that one node what if the rogueness decides to follow into some of the other nodes that were originally affected in 2015. Of course I know there are other options open to me, Dab tram, and ipi, but that would still be a jolt.

Mainly though I’m thinking about last Mays Scottish holiday and how wonderful it was to stay with my cousin and all the walking we did to keep all the anxiety in check, and enjoy ourselves sightseeing in Edinburgh and on the coast and in the countryside. If you had horribly said in a years time one of us will have passed away, i of course would have guessed it would be me. Today (well yesterday) I was planning a trip back up to Scotland for her funeral as a few weeks ago she was diagnosed with secondary kidney cancer, and then the primary as bowel cancer, she fell very ill before chemo could start, she passed away peacefully in hospital at the weekend. So that’s my reality check at the moment, a touch of survivors guilt, and pondering my results and again wondering how I can be the best version of me. 

Well time to try to go to sleep again.