Recently diagnosed

Good morning all!

so sorry if my little ranty sleepy downcast.... writing last night was a bit .... well, downcast sounding, and depresive looking; I was trying to get across taht I was all just taking it with a bit of a pinch of salt, and a bit tongue-in cheek; I   was pretty aware I was rather tired and ... not cognatively processing what I was reading at anything like full-power, given the time, my tiredness and fatigue and chemo-brain etC!

Odd thing is; the way my chemo brain, or at least my chemo-brain plus whatever side-affects I've still got of the grand mal fit circa the end of Jan,  works, is seemingly; I've no concentration at all for listening to audio books; whether trashy novels, comedy, fiction, whatever, or more serious reads, or even just sitting down and trying concentrate on listening to an album, or radio play etc; but, some reason If I read proper peer reviewed science papers (on whatever topic), I can just take them in, and understand and process them cognatively, as if I was back in 2002 doing my masters degree.... very odd!- yeh, I've been reading a lot of stuff about chemotherapy, radiotherapy, lymphoma, leukemias, etc., etc.,; but having some nice little side-trips off too, into other things related to autoimmunity and immunology that relate directly back to the research I did about a decade or so ago; and somwhow  those bits of my brain still seem to work.... well, seemingly more or less as they did all that time ago when I was pretending to be a real accademic in immunology....

- having said which, I'll certainly need to re-read waht I was looking at last night, at some point, when I'm less tired so it fully sinks in; I need to disect, as others here have said, just how 'broad' their stats were; I might get more sense from tehm if I have a decent rummage through the scienstists actual result tables, where they may have the statistics broken down more by stage, age, sex/gender etc, - as I'm all sure we know, some of the very  broad, sweeping mortality/morbidity stats, can look a bit terrifying on first reading; My initial  background reading, prior to seeing my consultant first time, put survival a good %20 lower than the consultant gave me, having taken into account more of my individual circumstances and pathologies!

Tom! 5 more sleeps! I'd say I was envious, but, really, no way, just happy! hoping they're the 5 smoothest days, and a smooth post final-infusion time  for you! huzzah!



Tony; I think I was beyond beautify sleep by my mid-twentys!; post chemo! no chance! - I'll just steal his glasses as soon as he gets here!

Fiance just arrived; time to go pretend I'm functioning like a human! - well I have eaten, and taken drugs, so that oughta be settling into me nicely now; even if I had to give up par-way through my coffee!; way to bitter, useually I love it like that.... but.... that seemed to be trying to make my nausea come back... and for once I decided against just shouting at it all and downing the mug!
have a good day all!

God I hate chemo Sunday, think it worse today as it bank holiday weekend again and I'm as much use as a chocolate teapot! Same Easter weekend it's pants.

I know...it's for a reason, it's working, I'm luckier than many and there's only 4 more to go. I've talked myself through all that and I'm still properly fed up and two more months seems like too long.

Sorry, grumpy and miserable HELP!

love Jakki xx

Oh Jakki, it's awful I know ( watched it far too often and wished I could take her place) but it will pass (as you know) 

Sending you love and a hug xxx

Ughh Jakki know exactly what you mean! It'll be my turn next Sunday. But you know what, by Xmas this will all seem a distant and surreal memory and, as your boys will be joyous /scowling with nihilistic thanks as they open their Xmas presents, I reckon it'll suddenly all seem like so long ago.

Except you'll be more thankful for it after all this. It will all be brighter for the experience you've had. And stronger for it, knowing what you went through. 

And after that you can have one mulled wine too many :)

Just think about these times to come, as you said in those lovely messages to Mark, as a source of strength :) it's sh!t now but you're smashing cancer's face in, and the rest of your life will soon be there waiting for you.

Tom

ps... Ice cream also helps :)

The thing is I know I'll be better in a couple of days, just being mardy bit like a child today lol, need to give myself a good kick in the bum! You are so right, there will be lots of bank holidays to come and we will all be out of the other side soon.

Thanks Tom, I have some Ben and Jerry's frozen yoghurt in the freezer, the tub might do it xxxx

Jakki!;

I'm still trying to have my chemo extended, one more cycle; just for you, so we match up! seriously!  ... OK... well maybe not... but.....

Been an odd Sunday here too, if  its any cosmiseration!;

was in town earlier with William, and did a bit of shopping.... I nearly bit the head of a poor member of staff in Boots! oops!

Then came over a bit... nauseas again, but managed to think it away/keep it under control.... - but... gosh I got so angry with myself!; when I had to 'give in', and sit outside the shop, at one point, Whilst William went in and got a few things... felt so odd.... just being that weak.... and... well, that just came up as anger as much  as anything... which seemed to let me not notice I'd stopped feeling teh nausea!

Home, then, and well.... child-like seems about right soemtimes; I seemed to spend most of the day, asking W to make me more and more cups of green and Jasmine tea.... and, yes icecream as well as gataux then occured.... pasta for dinner; really seem to be just 'feeding' my carb  cravings at the moment, from teh steroids; again got kinda really pissed off with myself, as I had to just let William cook most of the food... though I did do the washing up, and I did the cleaning and steralising beforehand and afterwards on kitchen surfaces etc (OK I'm a little over-posessive of my steralising and cleaning ATM!)

Then... basically spent teh evening curled up again, on the sofa, in William's lap... not far from a child-like state... he just ... mainly stroked my hair, and my back... and I just... purred like a contented kitten in some ways! - My mascalinity/adultness is ... abscent without leave for sure right now!

Asides that... nope... nothing of any  productivity here; sunday after chemo so I didn' manage to do any housework, or laundry; shall just try fit that in during the week as and when I can...

Loverly relaxing day though... all in all I think...

and... maybe even an early night tonight... well, probably before 4 AM anyhow!

Hope your feeling better now Jakki, and everyone else too, having a relaxing close to teh Sunday...

Jakki, if you feel this crap, just think how bad the cancer feels, plus you must be nearly 75% there, so the marathon is over and its the sprint to the finish now.

and see Tom's ice cream as the feeding station ha ha

enjoy the sun today it will make you all feel better

Tom you being spoilt rotten

john

Jakki and everyone, hope today is better for you......

hugs xxx

ps, how many of you watched last night's BBC programme, 'The C Word'? 

Hi all,

A much more positive me today, the sun is shining so going to get out and about. Thanks all for putting up with my whinging!

Mark, head tickles on the sofa, that was my evening too, we've got great men haven't we?

Moomy, I didn't watch the C word but have recorded it, I think it might have tipped me over the edge yesterday!

Tom, the frozen yoghurt worked a treat, will remember that one for next time!

John, that cancer is taking one hell of a beating, one step closer to the ski slope!

Once again thanks all think I am back to positive, cancer kicking Jakki today, I do wonder if the chemo or steroids cause a bit of depression that first few days?

love to all

Jakki

PS Would anyone fancy a meet up when this is over, no pressure as you might just all want to forget and move on.