Help , husband smoking again after tongue cancer

Hello Indie17, I'm sure I have commented on your post before , this is not good news that your husband is smoking again and the consultant will be furious as they can tell, some refuse to treat people who don't play by the rules . Please ask your G.P to get him on a course to help stop smoking , this how I stopped ,not smoked since 2008. I hope he knows how much damage he is causing and the telling of from his consultant. Poor you as you should not be putting up with his silliness . I hope he manages to see sense and stop . Best wishes .

                                          Chris x

Dear Indie 17, I’m so sorry that your husband is smoking again, I’m not surprised you are feeling frustrated and angry.

After the gruelling treatment you would think that he would be doing everything he can to stay well and heal.  It’s a difficult situation For those of us who have battled head and neck cancer to comprehend as it seems unbelievable that anyone would continue with this lifestyle choice.

However,  this illness encompasses all aspects of our health and I feel he could be in a low mood.  Perhaps some counselling may help him? You can access this through your GP or specialist team at the hospital.

I hope you can find him the appropriate support and that he will recognise how important this is, not only for him but his family too.

I wish you luck x

Hi Chris , 

Being a nurse I can totally understand why consultants will refuse to treat some people. I was so proud he’d given up but I know he’s struggling emotionally but refuses to speak to anyone. He feels everything has been taken away from him , he’d used to enjoy a cigarette , beer , food but now that’s all changed. If only he could change his mindset to see that smoking put him in this situation . My question is do I mention this to his consultant ( we have a check up next week) ??? . I know my husband would be mad with me but maybe he needs the consultant to lay it on the line. I said to him last night i don’t want to be the one to tell our children it’s come back because dad continued to smoke . He managed a few months smoke free but I caught him about a month ago now . He says he’s not smoking everyday but he’s had few since I caught him. I don’t think it matters what I say it has to come from him . Thanks for replying x 

Thank you for replying . I know I can’t go through all this again if it comes back . I can’t continue to support him if he carries on smoking. I’ve suggested many times talking to someone but he refuses and says that therapists haven’t been through cancer and what he has so how will they know how he feels . I think he hasn’t accepted or dealt with the cancer at all . I know it’s hard and I just want to help him. I almost feel now like I should just get on with my life and leave him to it. But I’m just angry too x 

Sorry to hear this. Some smokers just do not accept what caused or did not help the issue. If the Consultant is a non smoker he will probably get close enough to tell.

Its a selfish act but many people whose mind is not clear can act selfishly.

Are there any family members who can support you?

Hi,

I really feel for you both, I had base of tongue cancer and am now 2 years post treatment. It was a terrible shock for me, I have never smoked and not much of a drinker either, and yet this horrible curse got me. Your husband has been through the most gruelling treatment and I am sure there were times when he wanted to give up, but you were there supporting him through just as my husband was. I can honestly say that I was horrible to him at times when I did not want to do what I needed to do, like eat! and he tried to encourage me to do it. I felt like a child who had no say in my own life any more. Yes you lose many things that are taken for granted, the ability to taste, drink, eat and your emotions are all over the place. The fatigue is awful, and you wonder if you will ever be able to come through. But here I am eating and drinking most things, I can taste and I thank God every day for my life. I am still having check ups, but hopefully I am ok. I am getting on with my life, but without my husband I would not be as well as I am. What I am getting at is that, he needs you, I know he is being silly, but smoking is an addiction that is hard to break. I can't understand why he would want to go through all that treatment again, Please try to get him to seek help with giving up, there are loads of stuff out there to help him, I am sure the doctor will help him. Would he not come on here to see what people are saying? Everyone on here supports each other, whatever it is without judgement, we are all going through something or other, and many people have been helped by some other kind soul, by support, information, recommendations of all kinds. I certainly do not condone his choices, but I do understand his pain and yours too. I really wish you all the best, hopefully he will see sense and do the right thing. Anne

HI

I can imagine how frustrated you must feel. I never smoked but did drink,never to excess but most days I would have a drink. 

I don't know if alcohol caused my cancer but I have not had an alchoholic drink since my diagnosis. I'm simply too scared to risk it being the reason it returns.

Perhaps like you say your husband has not accepted what has happened or attributes smoking as a possible cause for his cancer. I realise that smoking is addictive and he misses the "high" he got from cigarettes, but I would have thought 3 months without them would have broken the habit. 

Perhaps he does need to hear it from the consultant of what he is risking if he continues to smoke. Also he needs to be more aware of how his actions are affecting you.

Good luck !

Hi Indie17

I really feel for you both as this is a topic very close to my heart. I was treated for bilateral tonsil cancer 18 months ago and yes, I was a smoker. I haven't had a cigarette since the day of my surgery and although I didn't even think about it throughout my treatment, now I am well again I'm honest enough to say that I miss it.....very much.

I know my body doesn't crave nicotine. It does however, crave the life I had. I didn't crave fancy holidays....wild nights out.....expensive clothes... My happiness came from a hard days work in the garden followed by a glass of wine and a cigarette. Or a walk on the fells or along a windswept beach ending with a pub lunch and a cigarette. I know how lucky I am to have come through treatment and I've no intentions of starting smoking again but for your husband....like me....it feels like the pleasures in our lives have been taken away. To enjoy great food with friends....maybe with a glass of wine....finishing the evening with a crafty ciggie...... Ah...those were the days...

I'm a retired nurse, married to a retired doctor so I can hear you all tutting and shaking your heads in disbelief. And yet nicotine is such a powerful drug and smoking such a complex issue. I find it very interesting that on this site, very few people have been smokers. The overriding common factor is HPV. None of us will ever know what was the true trigger for our cancers. What we do know is how hard it is trying to adjust to our new lives. Your husband will know what he should do to reduce the risk of recurrence Indie and I'm sure he will get there in his own time. Many of us on this site talk about trying the odd glass of wine or beer and that rarely brings out the finger wagging that smoking does. I really hope you can both find a way through this and remain supportive and understanding of one another.

Best wishes Gill

Hello Indie17, personally I would not tell the consultant as it could make matters worse , I used to smoke quite heavily and also liked a drink , but as soon as I found out I had caner I went on a course of treatment through my Dr . The nurse who I saw suggest things I could try and I opted for taking a tablet and a patch all free on prescription , anyway I was surrounded by smokers at work  ( in a shipyard ) but I cut down slowly ending up having two a day then the nil .  The good or rewarding part of it was that she used to get me to inhale then exhale into a measuring device that showed how much I was cutting down , so I could not cheat . Even during and after my operation they put nicotine patches on plus a tablet to help with the craving . Its not an easy habit to break but there is help out there but it might be better if your husband done it of his own back rather than being told to . My consultant said to me that the drinking and smoking combined did not help the fact I got cancer but never said its what caused the cancer , as you know the cancer came back twice more with me. I strongly believe the fact that I stopped smoking helped me recover after operations as its hinders the immune system . Keeping busy also helped me to stop the craving , lucky I'm good with my hands , my consultant said its ok to have drink but don't be silly yet other consultants oppose it . Its always the same when trying to stop a craving ,it should be done gradually otherwise the body reacts a bit like dieting ,eating chocolate, sweets etc . I think he will have it on the back of his mind when he sees the consultant next week so maybe see what happens at the appointment as during the check-up they get very close when looking in the mouth and feeling around . I was advised a couple of times that I needed better oral hygiene mainly due to the difficulties I had cleaning my teeth during recovery so I relied a lot on mouth wash and mouth swabs . Sorry to ramble on . Lets hope things work out ok . Where would we patients be without you caring nurses ,keep up the good work . 

                                                               Chris . x

Hi Chris , 

Yes I think your right telling the consultant won’t help as it has to come from him . I suppose I’m just so annoyed as he did so well initially . I hoping he might chat to someone about how he’s feeling as there’s obviously a reason he started again after a few months of not smoking. I just find it so hard to get my head round why he would do this. ( and I’m a non smoker which probably makes me reaction worse ) 

Can I ask where your cancer came back and how you knew ?? I hope your doing ok at the moment, it sounds like you’ve been through so much . Take care xx