Boyfriend In Remission

Hi Laura

There is no reason to apologise for anything here! 

I am assuming that he had adenocarcinoma (rather than the less common squamous cell carcinoma) and I am guessing hat he had surgery sometime mid 2018,- about a year ago - before you met him. If this is the case you will have noticed no doubt the scars resulting from the major surgery. He may have had chemotherapy too. I had my surgery in 2014 and it took me about 2 years to get back to anything approaching normality. The new normality for me, five years on, is smaller more frequent meals or spacing out courses, with occasional feeling ill after eating (dumping syndrome). The chemo has left me with some heart problems and neuropathy in my feet.

I recently went to a meeting with others who have had the surgery and common complaints were eating, bowel problems and fatigue. I am lucky to have made as good a recovery as I have but I still get tired, especially after meals, and need a nap.

Your man is so young to have had this cancer and I wouldn't be surprised if he feels bitter and frustrated at the slow recovery. (I couldn't eat fatty foods without getting diarrhea for a few days after. Then there is the gas issue - especially after sweet or high carb food). Thinking about what I was like 12 months on from surgery, there was no way I was fit enough to return to work (had I not been newly retired). 

I would suggest that you get hold of the Macmillan booklet "understanding oesophageal cancer" but I've just looked for it on-line but it is out of stock! Looking at my copy the following feelings are common: anger, blame and guilt, resentment, isolation and depression; that's aside from the physical recovery. There are other excellent Macmillan resources available. 

So tell us more specifically of his difficulties and yours and I'm sure there are people here that can empathise and offer advice.

Laura, the medical professionals don't fully understand the fatigue issues associated with oesophageal cancer surgery. He should ask for clarification on the cause he was given, I don't think it would be due to the job. I was told that the main cause of oesophageal cancer is acid reflux. I can't comment on chemo and radiotherapy as I never had any. However the surgery is a major surgery and is very tough on the body. What may me left of his stomach and new plumbing system can make it difficult for the body to get nutrition from food. It could easily take a couple of years to recover from the surgery and adapt to the eating regime. Do you really think the amount of money from benefits is something that would motivate him to not try to get back to work? I was self employed and earning on average about £2000 a month. Unfortunately due to fatigue and more so random food dumping issues I had to finally admit that I was no longer reliable to fulfill employment obligations. Are the hours and days you are working through choice? Harry Dean Stanton was an actor who died in 2017 aged 91, in an interview when asked about why he didn't have a more prolific career, he said " no one ever had an epitaph on their gravestone saying, I wish I had worked more". You may find in a few months his physical and mental health improves and he will feel capable of working again. Have you tried having a heart to heart talk about it? Good luck and kind regards Frank.

Hi LAURA24, 

Your boyfriend and I seem to be on similar paths?

I was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in April 2018, and got my all clear (in remission) in January 2019. I used to be self employed but have not returned to work yet, and may never work again?

I have lost confidence, my memory has been adversely affected by chemo (FLOT) and I think my IQ has also been adversely effected? But I am still here and learning to enjoy life more and more. I am 60 so early retirement is possible for me. 

Unfortunately you (and my wife) will have to bear with us until we decide to try work again. At my hospital they do offer counselling support in the cancer unit. I have tried this but I don't think it has helped me?

Sorry I can't put a more positive slant on this, but I'm sure presence will be helping your boyfriend.

Hi Laura.

Recovery from treatment is a major challenge. My UGI specialist tells me to think off it as surviving a major road traffic accident and them sum, to get some idea how some oc survivors are dealing with. I was 54 when diagnosed. Took 2 years to recover enough to start a PT job. It does whack yer confidence. I was a service manager prior to diagnosis, took a job delivering dominos pizza until my confidence improved. Now back FT as a Welfare Support Assistant for Fife Council. I have fatigue issues, in bed most nights by 8pm and have to rest 1 day at weekend. Have usual issues associated with surgery, try and keep myself full of vitamins suppliments etc. Still manage 3 city holidays abroad. Going down the Nile Egypt, then the Isle, marrying my amazingly kind and generous partner in Nov after our adventures in Egypt. Suggest he studies something in hea field he has always wanted to do. Make the most of your life I say. Try and see the humourous side of things. My manager offered me the chance to complete a comm ed degree. As I already have a degree, I declined and informed him I plan to study Egyptology and Ancient Sumaria at Glasgow Uni, distance learning, as this was always my passion. I play several musical instruments, have a home studio and vowed to produce my killer album lol. However, so knackered that I haven't still to began playing again. Nae pressure lol.

I really hope the penny drops and his and your fulfillment is locked inside him, ready for him to discover. Times a great healer. Eddie

Hi Laura

Going through treatment like this whacks it out of you mentally and physically,  and the shock factor never really goes away I think.  Tiredness is a big thing and especially if the eating has been affected,  he might not feel the same in himself and he may still be worried or feel like he has a black cloud above him as it's only a short time after it all happening. 

Just a thought but how about he tries to do a course at a local college in something he would like,  or an OU course.  It's not work but it might get his mind into gear a bit more than kind of doing not much.   Turn it into a positive in that he can try something new or different.   Could he set up his own catering business or do wedding food or cakes for example?

Re the support you can give him,  probably try to get to talk about what he is feeling like,   suggest different career paths ,  part -time work and even voluntary work til he gets a paid job.     Is it that you are worried about him not working or the money side of things as they are two different issues really and need different answers.    Maybe he is not money motivated and so doesn't have that push or need.   Or maybe he feels like his career is over so set out alternative careers or opportunities for him.    At 33 years old ,  please point out he has got another 35 years of work to do which is more than he has already completed.    He might have been a chef in a big establishment but can he not trade that for a smaller establishment where its not so demanding -  why is he saying he can't do his job ?    Hope that helps a bit and it works out for him and you both.