I’m currently going through treatment and will be having my 5th chemo session on Friday ( first block of the 6 week treatment ) symptoms are still present which is just draining but the mental toll is the worst . I’m stage 3c1 .. still very much in shock at what’s happening . Physically I’m kind of ok , but my hair is coming out which is traumatic in itself and I will probably shave it later . It’s hard to take it day by day . I’m scared after seeing so many posts in support groups of reoccurrence and treatment not working and cancer has actually spread for some people . it helps me to know there will be an end goal but with this there just isn’t one .. it could work it could not, and that’s what I’m struggling with. Everyone is getting on with their lives , I’m stuck in this awful cycle and not knowing what’s going to happen is the worst. I’m scared of being ill , scared of it Not working, scared of not having a normal life . I have to be realistic rather than too deluded and positive , and peoples ‘advice ‘ is largely unhelpful .
I try to take myself out for walks and fresh air but the motivation just isn’t there and sometimes I feel light headed so I’m too scared to go too far . I have a support network but I said before treatment I don’t want to see anyone or have people ‘ rally round ‘ as I’m just not that sort of person and would rather just get my head down and deal with it . I feel like there’s just so long left to go and then there’s the recovery .. just feel so helpless . God this is a depressing post ( sorry !) but this is where I am .i have been referred for counselling but I don’t know when I’ll hear from anyone .
Hi Delliea
You're going through a very intense and tough treatment regime, so it’s really hard for you right now-that’s very understandable. But it’s temporary. Difficult, but not forever.
I’d just make a couple of points. The first is that it may not be helpful for you to focus on negative stories. I don’t know where you’re reading them online, but if you read through posts on this group, there are lots of positive stories of others with stage 3 who have successfully come through treatment and are out the other side.
Also, many “support” groups have a focus on people who have a recurrence because they are the very people who still need support. Others who have successfully moved through treatment may not continue to post as they want to move on with their lives and not dwell on what is over for them. They want to leave it in the past.
I can understand the feeling of just wanting to get on with things on your own without involving others-I did the same, and chose not to tell people I had cancer (other than family and a couple of close friends) until after I had finished all my treatment. On reflection, that made things harder for me, and very lonely. I joined some online support groups and left every single one of them because I didn’t feel they were helping me at all. I actually felt much better when I did that!
I’m glad you’ve been referred for counselling, and hope that will help you. I’ve reached very low points twice since my original diagnosis, and had counselling eventually, but it took me a long time to accept I needed help. You can see that you do, so that’s a very positive step you’ve taken. I hope you’ll feel it very beneficial when you get started-I know I did.
It’s very hard to live with thoughts of potential recurrence, and of treatment maybe not working, and I suspect many of us have those same feelings. We are scared, and it’s ok to recognise that and admit it. It’s impossible to be upbeat and positive every minute of the day, because that’s not normality-we are humans with a range of different emotions which affect us.
I would describe myself as a “positive realist” and I’ll explain why. I had a recurrence 9 months after my treatment finished, so I know it could potentially happen again. There was nothing I could have done to prevent that recurrence and it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t blame myself for it, and chose to hope that my doctors would have a plan to deal with it which would be effective.
They did, and it was.
I had some very scary times, but always I held on to hope and tried not to use the words “what if” in a negative way. Instead of thinking “what if this doesn’t work?” I tried to flip the question when it came into my head to “what if it works and I’m cured?”. That gave me extra strength to keep going.
I have been told by two different doctors that they see a difference going through treatment and recovery for patients with a positive attitude, and I’ve never forgotten that. The alternative for me would have been to give up, and I never wanted to do that, because I had too much to live for.
I don’t let thoughts of recurrence dominate my mind. I’m currently well, and today is what matters-not looking into a future I cannot predict. I don’t look backwards, because that’s not the way I’m going and focusing on negative thoughts would suck the joy out of the life I currently have. Ok, my life has been changed forever with massive surgery, but I’m still here, and that’s what matters.
The mental aspect of diagnosis, treatment and recovery is just as important as the physical aspect in my opinion, so I’d encourage you to be kind to yourself, and maybe try to allow some close friends into your world so your burden is shared.
Try to learn acceptance of where you are right now, and keep putting one foot in front of the other going forward.
This will not last forever.
Sarah xx
