It's been 6 months since I finished treatment and I've had two follow-up appointments so far. At my most recent one, there was some activity seen in the lining of my womb. My doctors think it may be related to starting HRT, but they've recommended another MRI in 3 months' time. I didn't expect the follow-ups to be so difficult. I get borderline panic attacks sitting outside the consultant's office waiting to be called in. During treatment, I think I compartmentalised everything and just focused on getting through the next chemo or radiotherapy session. Now that it's over, I feel like the emotional impact has finally caught up.
I went straight back to work full-time and didn't even ask for a phased return. The only people who know what happened are HR and my line manager so I can attend appointments. I thought it was better that way because I didn't really want to relive it by telling people what happened to me. I keep myself busy but sometimes it feels isolating listening to colleagues talking about holidays, children and normal life while carrying around this huge baggage.
Physically, I don't feel like I've made much progress either. I gained around 20% of my body weight during treatment and haven't managed to lose it. The steroid moon face has gone, but I'm still uncomfortable in my clothes and reluctant to buy new ones because it feels like accepting this is how I'll stay. One thing I am grateful for is that I kept most of my hair using the Paxman cold cap. I shed quite a lot after treatment and my hair has thinned evenly all over, but no bald patches. Length wise, it has grown already more than an inch longer than it was at the end of treatment.
The thing I struggle with most is feeling stuck between being a patient and being myself again. And then there's the infertility, which still makes me incredibly sad when I allow myself to think about it.
Does the anxiety and sadness get easier? And when did you start feeling like yourself again?
