Hello all. This is so painful - I never thought I'd be back on these forums again 
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I've just been given a "USC" referal to my local hospital breast care unit. Six years ago I watched my wife die from cancer.
In March 2018 my wife of 21 years was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, with a prognosis of six months of life, We were both 59 years old, I was a retired teacher and she had just started an undergraduate degree in Fine Art. We discussed and rejected palliative treatment: we both wanted quality of life rather than quantity. During this time I discovered these forums on this site and found them so supportive and helpful for both of us. In September she died in a hospice. I know I'm not supposed to say this, but it was a horrible, distressing and paiful death.
Here I am, six months later, a widower living alone, but close to my son (my only child) and his young family. About four months ago I developed a tenderness and soreness in my right breast, but no lump. I did the usual male thing and ignored it - it will go away. But it didn't and I started to hear my wife telling me to go to the doctor's. I got a GP appointment about a month ago, followed by an ultrasound scan. I could see the screen and when the operator hit the sore bit I went "ouch". She focused on that area and a black "hole" appeared in the centre of the screen surrounded by a good representatation of body tissue. It didn't look good to me. The operative told me in no uncertain terms if I hadn't heard from my GP within ten days I must, must, phone them.
I subsequently got a GP phone appointment last week and was told the scan was "inconclusive" and I was being referred to a clininc at the local hospital. Within hours I got an NHS app. message to say an "USC" appointment had been made to the breast care unit for 21st August. I was expecting all this, but was confused by the "USC" bit. I quickly found out what this meant: urgent suspected cancer.
So here am I, reliving all that uncertainty of six years ago, but alone this time. I am surrounded by a huge network of support. I had a list of 12 people who had given me strict instructions I had to phone them after the GP phoned me. I've had several offers of going to the hospital with me on the 21st, together with any number of people I know would go with me (if they could) if I asked them. But I still feel alone in this second trip into the crazy world of malignancy, with all its new acronyms (I hate that I know what PRN means today), travelling, waiting, small talk that isn't in oncology waiting rooms, having someone with me to act as a buffer against my brain shutting down during a consultation, home injections into the stomach for blood clots on the lungs, drugs given to counter the side effects of drugs given to counter the side effects of..., and all that before it gets to "end of life" stuff (I don't belive this will get there, but these are my memories, my truth).
Sorry, I just needed to vent all that. Thank you for being here with me in this nightmare and I wish all of you peace and serenity in your worlds,
Distressed 
Simon
Hi Simon, I can't imagine being in your situation having recently lost your spouse, but I do know that, whilst it's easy to panic, every cancer is different and breast cancer is often very treatable these days. It sounds great that you have a network of support, and I am sure you will come to rely on them, but I hear you, it’s not the same as having “your person” by your side.
If can offer one piece if practical advice at this stage, from my own experience, please don't go to the hospital on your own. I did, and driving home after the “one stop shop” diagnosis was not the most sensible or safest thing I’ve ever done. I also would have appreciate someone with me as a second pair of ears too.
As you know well, this early stage of uncertainty is the most challenging so I hope you find some ways to distract yourself from thinking too much until you know more. Best wishes.
Thank you all for your messages of support, they are wonderful to receive. I did say "Here I am, six months later..." that should read "six years later", sorry about that.
I have spoken to a Mmacmillan nurse and she was brilliant, gently reminding me of the things I can and should do over the next few week prior to my appointment. And my son has told me he will get time off from his new job (he starts today) to be with me on the 21st for my first appointment at the breast clinic.
Thank you all again and I'll be here for the duration. 
Oh Simon,
I do feel for you the ache you must still have in your heart for your wife, and now the sudden start on the journey for yourself, I understand how you feel, they found w lumps in my left breast and I am waiting to start Chemo which is next week, just remember whatever they have found you are going to get a lot of help from people, this is the only help I’ve asked for so far, but just writing down your feeling and all about what is going on does help, you learn a lot from everyone here, and I’ve already managed 1 night of good sleep thanks to 1 lady telling me about a sleep meditation that she uses.
Just don’t give up on yourself think about everyone who has offered to help you and the kindness they have shown, you will get there as will I and all the ladies and men on here. Just be brave and put yourself above everyone and everything else.
Love Grannybear 
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Hello all 
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I had a pretty tough few weeks, waiting. But I'm nearly there, my USC appointment is tomorrow afternoon. And I don't know what to think. I've kept away from reading about breast cancer, 'sepcially in males, but I've been talking about it with a lot of supportive people. I've got a list of 15 people that I must phone tomorrow when I know more.
I am anticipating a biopsy tomorow and I know from the information on this site that could be 2 or 3 days to 2 weeks to hear back. It is all the uncertainty that is getting me down. It is almost like I'll accept the worst, just to get it over with.
I've been to some creative writing classes - brilliant. One piece of writing was to write about something using all my five senses. Without any conscious thought I found myself writing about the fear of having cancer. And I'm carrying a headache - I never normally get headaches.
I had a phone call from the clinic today, to remind me of the appointment - as if I could forget or even miss it.
I'm grandchildren sitting tomorrow morning (Fredy, 7 & Poppy, 5). I was booked for the whole day originally. Then my son is taking me a few miles up the road to the hospital. Here's hoping for a reasonable night's sleep tonight.
Just going to sort myself out with everything I need (I'm so missing my wife in all this), have a shower, watch some easy telly then try to sleep.
Thank you all for being here with me in our stories - bless you and may you all have peace and strength,
Simon
