My journey so far ;1
I had a breast reduction years ago which makes finding lumps very easy. So I was no stranger to the breast clinic. But I guess I knew inside this one was different. But it winds you when they tell you there and then. I was going abroad in 2 days time and my only thought was ‘what about my holiday’. But they told me to go enjoy my break
I had worked closely with someone who had breast cancer and her whole outlook changed. People used to criticise, but in that moment, when they told me, I understood. I enjoyed my holiday, suddenly I was free. No longer risk averse (and I never told my family). Then when I got home they told me I needed a CT. They warned me that it would throw up false positives. And it did. I had to have more biopsies, but thankfully the other lumps were fibroids. I’m kinda glad I had the scan, because after the lumpectomy, I was told it was grade 3 (aggressive). my first thought was ‘it’s half time and I’m 4-1 up’. It was caught early, it’s hormone receptive, it wasn’t in the lymph nodes, there was only one tumour… BUT it was aggressive. However the scan gave me the comfort I needed at that point that it hadn’t spread
Just got my OncoDX results, which show a 37% chance or recurrence (my score was 56). So chemo here I come. I am busying myself with fixing everything I’ve put off doing for years. Sorting out my house, decorating, clearing out. My daily mantra is ‘give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
I can’t change what’s happening, but I can change. I can change my future. I will change my future.
But the hardest thing for me is other people’s reactions. My family are hurting more than I am. My OH is all positive to my face, but my in laws are telling me he is crushed. My sister is being positive. But my BIL tells me she sits up all night crying. I’m not sad or angry for me. I am sad for them. My pain is for them. I’ve hardly told anyone in work, because grown men have cried when I told them. There’s a part of me that thinks how sweet that is that they care so much….but now I feel bad for them. I love the people like my nephew who say ‘auntie, remember I’m your favourite boy, make sure the wills up to date’, or ‘Jesus, cancer messed with you - it clearly doesn’t know you’.
My chemo starts in a couple of weeks, so just now it’s a mad rush to get dental work done, blood tests, GP etc.
One of my big questions is ‘how quickly did people lose their hair, did anyone not lose it’? Thoughts on cold caps? I’m on EC 3 rounds 3 weeks apart them paclitaxel weekly for 9 weeks.
