Telling family

Be totally honest and factual but keep it light hearted if possible.

Early in January we had to tell our 4 children (ages 4, 5, 11 and 12) that I had breast cancer. We waited until we knew exactly what the plan was with regards to surgery and told them just before we had to all isolate. 

Hubby had made cinnamon buns and we sat round the table and we just told them the truth. That I had breast cancer and that I was having a mastectomy. It was treatable and that I would be having chemo and radiotherapy and what each one basically entailed. Then we had a little laugh and a joke about being a one tit wonderwoman etc and we went to the beach and did something normal to try and normalise the situation. 

They all took it slightly different. My eldest son (12) was a little teary, my eldest daughter (11) couldn't wait to tell her friends, my youngest daughter (5) took away the knowledge that mummy's boob was being cut off and my youngest son asked to get down from the table. 

3.5 weeks on from surgery and it's like nothing has happened. We laugh, we joke and they prod the soft toy boob. For them this is their new normal and they are fine with it. We did speak with the schools to put measures in place in case they needed quiet time away but so far they haven't needed it. 

Children are remarkably resilient and adaptable. My eldest daughter sculpted me my boob and scar from sand. 

We are taking a very positive pragmatic approach to this and in that vain have not mentioned words like worried, fear, scared etc. 

Hope this helps? 

Your grandchildren are on the cusp of being young adults, and they may experience some negative emotion as a result of the news. There is no way to shield them from that if you want to be honest with them, but the way to minimise it is exactly as described by VWGirl: do it when you have a clear idea of the plan, stay with the facts, tell them what, approximately, to expect. As for the use of humour, that would depend on the general atmosphere and your natural inclination. At the point of telling my children there was no humour, but very quickly they relaxed (once they knew they had all the facts and would continue to be informed) and nowadays there is a lot of humour in the conversation.

I have a 12 year old and took the same approach  has taken. I was factually honest about what was going to happen, avoided talk of grades and aggressiveness, etc. but that I had breast cancer, would need chemo, mastectomy some additional treatments and that I had a good prognosis. From there I dealt with the questions as they’ve come, always remaining honest but positive on my language. That’s been wise because well meaning people say things that indicate you’re ill, the friend that leaves and says you’re strong you’ll beat this or gets teary is an instant flag to my very astute daughter that things are serious. It’s very important they know you’re honest with them so they can trust you when you do have a bad chemo day, etc. and as you found out they can get very upset if they feel they’ve not been trusted or included. It’s a minefield. But we’re picking our way through successfully and with a lot of dark humour. Good luck xx 

One of my son's friends very "helpfully" turned round and said his nan died of cancer. Fortunately my son just replied my mum's is treatable and I think knowing it's treatable gave him the tools not to be upset when his friend told him about his nan 

Thats thing, the kids say things to each other! We’ve had similar things happen, my mums friend died, my auntie, etc, of course Sarah Harding died while I was on chemo too which caused much debate. As you say, my daughter knowing exactly what was going on with us gave her comfort and security xx

This is such a personal situation...... 'do we have to tell family' ?  

I have said this from a different side and I still don't know if I have done right or wrong - part of me feels it is right for 'me' the other side of it feels I would like sympathy - however, when I type this my immediate thought is 'then I would be being treated 'differently' because of 'it'....

My dear mum is over 90.   We lost my dad some years ago.  My dad was my mums world, they were together since the age 14 and never apart, so when dad passed her world was totally destroyed.  I stepped forward to help mum, going out (before pandemic), phoning many times a day and other bits (whist my 2 siblings mainly thought of their own family - this is totally different story).  Anyway, I am waffling...

My mum is a worrier, practical at times. If I had anything wrong mum will 'constantly' ask if I'm okay, have I done this or that. ..... partly due to not wanting to hurt mum and another not wanting to be reminded of 'it' every moment of every day ..... I have not told her (right or wrong I don't know - its done out of protection - to both of us I suppose).

I told mum that I had a small lump and was going to see the doctor to see what he thought.  This then turned into doctor said 'just to be safe best to have removed' - and that was as far as it went.  I could see no reason to say 'that' word as it wouldn't help.

I let my siblings know - as I wanted one of them to see mum on the day I had my operation - so as to give me the space needed (little did I realise both would go on to tell my nephew and nieces). 

I also wanted to choose who or if I would tell anyone - as I did not want to become 'that' first and me after.  I am still like this now, most don't know about it. 

With your children's ages would you / could you tell them 'it' is a lump and to be safe you doctor says best of where it is, it's best to remove breast.... and go from there (don't mention the 'c' word at this time).  See how it all goes, treatment etc and then review from there.  Consider what will you achieve by telling them or by not telling them.  Also, by you reading my words - maybe you will know immediately how you feel by what I have said as to what you want to do..

I haven't got children, but I do think it's a massive thing to put on them at such young ages. 

We are all different and have to do what we feel is right for us and for the right reasons. 

I am sure whatever you decide it will be right for you and your family.

Love and Hugs xxx

Hi VWGirl, just wanted to say thank you for your post. I was diagnosed with two (thankfully small) tumours in my breast and lymph node after a biopsy a few weeks ago. I've just had my MRI (we had to delay thanks to catching covid) so I'm hoping it'll show there's no more but the worst thing is definitely having to tell my kids (8 and 11). It's so heartening to hear your experience. I also wanted to wait until I have my treatment plan so that they can be totally prepared, I'm feeling pretty positive about it all and I want them to be upbeat too. Good to know they can be so resilient.

We definitely found it better to be positive and upbeat with the kids (which we are anyway as it's just one of those things)

I remember my appt after the MRI when I found out it would definitely be a mastectomy (2 lumps) and axillary clearance (1 positive node) they offered me a story book aimed at younger kids and I had a flick through and at the point I saw the words "mummy and daddy are worried" I lost whatever remaining composure I had and pretty much threw the book back at the bcn and said no thank you. Firstly I didn't want it to be my daughter's new favourite story book and secondly we aren't really worried and I most definitely didn't want the kids to be worried. 

We literally told them Sunday morning, isolated from Monday and my surgery was Thursday and they all went back to school on the Thursday back to normal!!!

Interestingly my eldest son who really hates hospitals was perfectly fine with the drain (looked like fruit fanta) and even the lack of boob doesn't bother them as I've made a point of not hiding it. 

I hope all goes well with your results from MRI and telling the kids xx

Thank you! ️

You’re so right it is a personal decision and nobody can make a wrong decision really because it’s down to their own dynamic. I think the big difference is we live with our children and they over hear things. There’s no way I could’ve kept it a secrete successfully and once the trust is gone, we’ll it’s gone. And it’s damn hard to hide 6 months of chemo xx