I don't know when to tell my mum

Dearest Bibi4,

Firstly, I am sorry you find yourself here and welcome you to the Club that no one wants to join. You will find the people and information amazing - plus, if you have any trouble sleeping, there is a thread called 'Awake....' everyone drops in and out any time night and day so please never feel alone.  

with regard telling your mum, you have to do what feels right for you - you know your mum and how she will be. 

My story in case it helps.....
My dear mum is in her 80's. At the time my Dad has passed some 7 years ago. My mum has 3 grown up children (with family's of their own as we are constantly reminded). Mum is my world and I am now mums. Mum is from the generation you mention the 'c' word and that's is 'it' ... you might see where I'm coming from with this.  

So.... I didn't.  I, like you tell my mum everything, however, after a lot of thought I felt this was maybe one time I need to be a bit shy with the truth.  

Plus I didn't want to tell people because I felt I would become 'that' and then me. My friend that I told slowly disappeared - was busy and would be in touch hmmm - be ready for people you tell to surprise you with how they behave... many will just want to 'know' and that's it. 

Back to mum  ... I said to mum that I could feel a little (haha) lump (it wasn't little and I couldn't feel it) so I said I was going to get it looked at, that was my opening at least I'd told her this (although at this time I had been for diagnosis and had results) . 

I told mum that everything was okay, however they suggested having the lump removed for my own peace of mind - i chatter with mum asking what she thought should I get it removed or leave it .... we agreed it's best I get it removed (arrgh) 

I was due lumpectomy and radiotherapy. Cutting this short, I found a treatment called TARGIT IORT - this treatment combines operation with radiotherapy, giving radiotherapy internally as opposed to externally over the cause of 3/4weeks  ..... all done and finished in 'one day' - this was my Get out of Jail card - mum knows my every move, this way treatment is done and finished.

I told mum I'd had a date come to have a look Etc - this was in fact the date of my actual operation.

plan comes together, i diverted house phone to mobile and set of to London, I had operation stayed in hospital overnight (phones mum as normal as if from home to say Night Night, etc)  Next day came home  All good so far  Next day called in to see mum - so she could see I was okay and let her know how I had got on ....

I said, they deceived to take lump out there and then - so it's all done. Phewwwew

I have not told mum the 'c' word - I can see no benefit  mum would just worry and worry and more so I knoe she would ask me every day how I feel, am I okay, how do I feel - and if I'm truthful I couldn't cope with that  I just want to forget about it and doing it my way, in a way I can.

plus as I say mum would worry like anything and tell the world and hud wife..... no I didn't want that - and this journey needs to be as smooth as it can be.

There are a few times I have felt like telling mum - mainly when she's having a moan at me - my head is saying 'do you know what I've been through' ..... but honestly, I've found it better not telling - guilty yes, but mentally better fit not saying anything.

oww and I thought if anyway (not that I've told many people) if it got back to mum 'your so and so had had breast cancer' - I can easily say, typical how people talk (whilst having my fingers crossed behind my back)  

This said and done the choice is yours - don't rush into it have a think - once you've said it - well you can't take it back  

Wishing you all the best - I hope my reply makes sense, I'm sending from my mobile - so it could be all over the place.

Always here if you need to talk xx   

As you usually tell your mum everything, will she not wonder why you hadn't told her before?  As a mum, I would want my daughter to tell me so I could support her through what she was going through.  You know your mum better than most so it is entirely up to you when you tell her.  Fingers crossed everything goes well for you.  I am 13 days post mastectomy with lymph node clearance so know what you are going through now.

I'd trust your gut instincts abd don't worry about 'right' or 'wrong' things. It'll feel ok when it feels ok. This is about you so only you will know when xxx

Hello Bibi4,

I agonised about telling my mum too. She'd had a terrible year, serious health issues with her parents, her husband had developed anxiety/depression. So I did daydream briefly about not telling her at all.

But in the end, I didn't feel I could keep it from her. However, for my own peace of mind, I didn't tell her until I knew exactly what I was facing and the medical team had a plan. As all those weeks prior would have been a nightmare with endless questions and needless worry.

Every relationship is different. You need to weigh the cost and benefits for you.

For my particular relationship, her finding out much later would have caused a rift and she would have blamed herself for me not telling her.

But I needed those few weeks at the start to ready myself for the whole thing. So it was a compromise.

I would say, not telling her at all may harm you later on. Cancer, for me at least, was not just the surgery and treatment. It was also a bit of delayed depression and some hormone therapy side effects that I simply couldn't hide.

I'm sorry you're in the club. But you're in the right place. Focus on you.

Big hazmat hug. X

Hi Bibi4 I will just add my lovely mum is in her late 80's hence me not wanting to worry her and I know it would.  I haven't regretted telling mum the 'full' story..... mum knows I had a lump and its been removed.  I then let her know my updates each year.

You have to do what feels right for you first and foremost, this journey is about you and what makes it easier for you. Then think of how your mum would be - I think a lot of this will depend on your mums age too - if my mum was in her 50s or 60s then I would have a different outlook, as I would want mum with me at appointments - however, late 80's and on her own - I just couldn't do it (maybe one day, but not for the moment. Don't get me wrong sometimes I think 'I wonder what mum would think with this' - but, that's just me wanting my mums affection and sympathy.

Have a good think, maybe even write a list of 'for's and against' - do what feels right for you.  One thing this teaches you - with this you have to do what is right for you and speak up when you need to and ask questions when you need to.  Just take it one step and one day at a time - I suppose you could also say.... why do you have to tell anyone ?? We are all different - do what's right for you and you are doing right xxx

Hello What Happened

Thank you for repyiing, it really means a lot. What you said makes total sense and I had already thought I should avoid the C word. I will have to tell her on face time as we aren't even in the same country! The treatment you mentioned is what they have discussed with me but I have to have all the tests to see if my hormones are ok for this type of treatment. I had the CT scan today and will get the results back christmas eve. Its all a bit overwhelming especially not being in UK but things are moving swiftly and my husband has been a great support. 

How long since you had your operation?  Could you go back to work straightaway?

I will tell her think I will wait for the rest of  tests to come back. I see the surgeon on 29th Dec and will need the covid test as long as that comes back negative then I will let her know.

Thank you again for giving me an insight of how you dealt with things

X

Hi Sunflower76

Yes can definitley relate to what you have said, think my mum will be upset that I haven't told her sooner. Maybe if it wasn't christmas time I would but now is not the right time will wait till I am closer to the op.

X

So true Tlania thanks for commenting.

X

Yes Lesley63 this is my dilemma but really don't want her having sleepless nights too.

Sending lots of love

X