Anxious daughter of recently diagnosed 86 year old dad

4 replies
174 subscribers
744 views

I have been advised to join by a friend. I'm looking for advice to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation please.

My Dad has recently been diagnosed with rectal adenocarcinoma tumour, T3b. It hasn't spread so far but after consultation with both the surgeon and oncologist dad has decided against surgery. He can't have radiotherapy as he had that when he had prostate cancer at 65. Chemo also doesn't seem to be a great option for him at his age. He is very active and although 87 in Nov he doesn’t look much older than 65. The conclusion seems to be that he wouldn't do well from surgery due to his age, dodgy heart, diabetes and on blood thinners, which stack the odds against a good recovery. Dad has decided he has been very lucky to get to 86 and that he had his second lifeline after the prostate cancer. Having seen many young people lose their fight he says he has nothing to complain about and has a good life and would rather live his remaining time enjoying life.

This is a hard pill to swallow for us as we are now faced with being told he might have 1 or 2 years, but we also don't want to argue with him. It's his decision at the end of the day and we will support him whatever, but he's our dad and love him so much. Just hard to know what to say or do.

Thank you. X

court over 4 years ago

Oh Josiejo13

Welcome to the community and I can read how much you care for your dad and his wellbeing. So lovely . He sounds a lovely man with a great attitude and hopefully he will keep well for a while yet !

There are groups here for relatives who are supporting people who are currently living with cancer . It might give you some insight into the best way to support him .

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/family-and-friends-forum
You are also welcome to stay here ! Many people do both . There are other people currently in this forum facing similar situations as yourself and I hope they pop on to support you too!
Take care ,

Court

Helpline Number 0808 808 0000

crankshaft over 4 years ago

Hi Josiejo13,

I would just like to say that I admire your father for his stance. I was in hospital in 2019 for a colon operation resulting in a stoma, I was 73. In the same ward were a couple of guys quite a lot older than me and I watched them try to cope with what was going on and I said to my wife when I got home that if I got to the point of a serious operation again at their age I hoped that I would choose not to.

My own father died some years ago aged 90 and one of the last things he told me was that he was not afraid to die and what a good life he had.. I know it easy to say this but we all have to go at some time and it will always be a terrible loss for those loved ones who have lost someone.

What can you do? Unless there is a good medical reason for asking him to have the treatment or reaching out for second opinions, respect his wishes, help him make the most of what time he has left. The medical team should help with whatever drugs will help him. When someone dies suddenly there are always questions you would have liked to ask, things you would have liked to say. Take that opportunity now.

Given the same circumstances I know that this is what I would want and hope that I would have his courage. It is very sad and I am so sorry for you. On a practical note I am sure there are counsellors at Macmillan who can help you if you want to talk to someone.

With best wishes

John

Josiejo13 over 4 years ago in reply to court

Thank you Court. Today has been an emotional day, especially for my mum, she looks so scared. They've been married for 61 years and it's heartbreaking. X

Josiejo13 over 4 years ago in reply to crankshaft

Thank you John, this gives me great comfort and I will share it with my mum. Dad has asked that we do not keep talking about it and just enjoy the time he has. He is so strong and says he feels fine. With his ever cheeky smile he then races me across his field and says that the scans and biopsies seem to have made him into the bionic man - always the joker! I think he just feels he has had a good shot at life and very grateful for the second chance he was given after prostate cancer. Asking him or trying to persuade him to have an operation that even the surgeon doesn't think is a good idea would be wrong so it's about accepting the situation and making the most of things.

I'm so grateful for your advice and I hope you have made a full recovery.

Best wishes

Mandy