When do I tell my father and kids?

LeedsDad, sorry to see you here, but you've come to the right place to ask questions. Whilst everyone and every family is different, I told my daughter from the word go. She was 19. This was a result of her granddad keeping everyone out of the loop, refusing to see anyone etc, which was hard for us. In fact that was one of her first comments, and I promised not to do that, and to be open. My parents are long dead, but over a week or so I told the rest of the family, probably after the consultant appointment so we knew what the plan was, in order to forestall any questions. Most of the telling was over the phone or email, as they were long distance. Whatever you decide will be the right one for your family. Take care

I told my family after colonoscopy and I'd been told it was probably cancer, I was in such a state. Had surgery and have kept them up todate after each treatment and scan.  Take Care

I told my children and parents once I received my 2ww referral in the summer, at that stage it was thought unlikely to be cancer. I was told I had an inoperable tumour in late October, but they were aware of my 'progress' all the way. I think it worked out better for all of us to get the bad news in stages, but it is difficult, especially with not being able to see them face to face, speaking via video calls is the best we can manage at the moment.

Best wishes for your results and with whatever way you choose to speak to your family. 

Hi there, it is a hard one. For me I waited until after they gave me the results of the biopsy. Very hard to tell those you love, I feel for you. Once you have told them, you will relax more and be able to see clearly a way forward, at least I did.

For me I was telling my mother and brother who at the time was in the middle of fighting stage 4 bowl cancer with chemo. In addition his wife had terminal stomach and ovarian cancer. I felt like I was joining a party no one wants to go to. 
I found an inner strength I never knew I had .

Good luck with your tests, I will pray for you. 
Keep in touch

paula

Hi LeedsDad and a warm welcome to the board from me. These first few weeks of scans, results and meetings are very stressful but once you have a plan in place then things will feel a little better. I was told after my colonoscopy that they were pretty sure it was cancer and we went straight up to tell my parents. Are your children and father likely to pick up that something is amiss? If so I would be tempted to tell them rather than having them worried about what the problem is. If you feel that you can put on a good front then you may decide to wait until after your consultation so you can give them the full picture. I was told at my consultation that they were treating me ‘with a view to cure’ which was reassuring and something to hold on to.

Im glad that you’ve found us here and some of the threads are helping. Please stay away from google - it’s out of date and downright scary in places - you can ask anything you want on here, there is nothing too daft or embarrassing. Bowel Cancer is very treatable. It will be a tough few months but it is doable.

Please let us know how you get on

Take care

Karen x

I told my children who are 10 and 8 straight away, to acclimatise them to it. That worked best for us as it gradually removed the fear of it and normalised it. 

I had surgery 9 weeks ago and am amazed by the skill of the surgery and how quick recovery has  been.

To echo all of the information and advice, waiting is the WORST, especially as we can't access a lot of the methods we would use to distract ourselves. 

My surgeon told me that removing colon cancers was their 'bread and butter' and he wasn't wrong. Scary now, but you'll be fine and the medical peeps will get you through it. 

Much love

Thank you all so much for your replies and comments. They are all very much appreciated.

My wife and I have spent hours since this all blew up discussing which approach to take. Yes - we could tell them now, but without knowing the full extent or what the treatment is going to be, we feel that it will just cause them to go through the same worry and stress we're going through ... and that's something that we'd like them to avoid. I absolutely understand that when we do tell them it'll come as a shock ... but the shock will be the same now or when we tell them once we've had the discussion with the consultant.

I've now had the colonoscopy and the consultant said it's a malignant ulcerative tumour. He did confirm that there are no other tumours he could see in the rest of the bowel so that's a good thing.

It's now a case of having the MRI scan and then waiting to hear what the consultant says and what is going to be done about it.

It's no less worrying or stressful, but at least things seem to be moving. It's just the waiting that gets to you.

Out of interest ... do I continue posting in this sub-group, or do I now need to switch to the Diagnosis and Treatment sub-group from now on?

Post just wherever you like . It is meant to assist people making their first post but honestly it’s more important that you just post and get the support you need . 

You sound as though you have a strategy. I hope they can push the scans through quickly and get onto the treatment plan for you .

Take care ,

Court 

It's unbelievable how much stress and anxiety lifts when you hear the words "it's not spread".

I met with the consultant and that's what I was told. It's T2, caught early enough and following surgery and possibly some chemotherapy, the prognosis is very good. To be honest, words can't express the relief I'm feeling, although it doesn't alter the fact that I have cancer.

I'm going to need a temporary stoma which I'm not thrilled about, but the consultant explained that it will help in the healing and avoid complications following surgery. I'll just have to learn how to deal with that and as I've read and heard, a stoma doesn't limit what you can do.

All I need to do now is get through the surgery and recovery afterwards.

LeedsDad. That’s great news - I remember feeling exactly the same - I still had cancer but it didn’t seem quite as bad?! It also means that you’ll be able to ‘play it down’ a bit when you tell your father and kids and focus on the no spread bit.

Im sure you’ll quickly pick up the hang of dealing with a stoma - there is a separate page for Ileostomy and Colostomy support although it’s pretty quiet at the minute - but there’ll be lots of support on here and from your stoma Nurse and supplier if you need it.

Hopefully it won’t be too long until you get a date for surgery and can get the tumour in the bin

Take care

Karen x