Feeling OK until just now...

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I had a right hemicolectomy early in May and I've been recovering ok (I think) since then. Digestion is still tempremental (mainly constipation I think due to still not enough fibre in my diet) but my colorectal nurse keeps reminding me it's still early days. Also have had a wound infection this week, but hoping that is on the mend.

All the conversations at home have been about walking further each day, general 'life' things, family and planning holidays for when I'm finished with whatever treatment comes next. It's all been upbeat and positive, until I just got a phone call for my followup appointment on Monday after my histology was discussed in the hospital MDT.

My heart has sunk. I suppose it's the fear of what they might tell me.

I looked over at my better half, and all I could think was "why are they getting me in so quickly, what if they say it's the worst news....what if I'm going to die?"

I know I'm jumping the gun. All my pre op appointments and surgery were done within 3 weeks of diagnosis, so speed is not unusual at my hospital. The surgery was successful in getting out the tumour and all the lymph nodes and blood vessels around it that had been seen in my scans, but I am now in full on panic mode.

I suppose it's normal to have these worries, but I thought I was doing really well.......until just now.

I'm just reaching out to you guys, not to burden but to share in the hope getting this written will help me reflect and be calmer.

Sending love to all on their own journey.

Arial88 27 days ago

Hi easy to say but please try not to go into full on panic mode. I think it's normal to get your histology results pretty soon after the MDT, I got a call straight after mine. Don't read anything into that, my trust does minimal face to face, it's all on the phone.

Main thing is the surgery went well, the tumour is gone and soon you will know next steps.

I get it though, I only have to see an NHS app notification and my heart races!

I will be thinking of you on Monday xx

Scooby25 27 days ago in reply to Arial88

Thank you so so much for taking the time to reply. I appreciate your kindness more than I can say xx

Susan13 27 days ago

Your reaction is completely normal.

I sometimes wonder when, if ever, I will stop going into panic mode when getting results. It's like we've been permanently altered by our cancer experience. I used to be so calm, not easily ruffled. Now, a simple scan or meeting to get histology results sends me reeling.

Scooby25 27 days ago in reply to Susan13

Thank you for reaching out to me. What shook me about my reaction was that this is my second fight with cancer. I had lymphoma, but I had no surgery then and I was 20 years younger….maybe I’ve become less resilient as I get older, though I believe you’re right, this horrible disease changes you.

I’m sending love and healing thoughts to you to support you on your journey.

Susan13 26 days ago in reply to Scooby25

This was my second cancer too. I had a neuroendocrine tumor on my pancreas. But I only had surgery, no chemo or radiation therapy first time.

And I think it is just more "real" this time. I lived in deep denial the first time and only started admitting it was cancer after my rectal tumor was discovered. So I don't know if I'm less resilient so much as more in tune with reality. Lol

Sending love and healing thoughts.

Scooby25 26 days ago in reply to Susan13

Hi Susan13

I think you’re right. I definitely have been facing with this cancer diagnosis somewhat differently than before.

But, I’m trying to balance the reality with positivity, and focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel (which for me is the holidays we will have when this is all over).

Thank you for your kindness, and for sharing your thoughts xx