I need a safe rant!

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Well, the last few months have been interesting but stressful, hence I've been a little quiet on here. But I've got to the point where I need to write things down, to attempt to make sense of it all, and see if anyone has any pointers forward.

Briefly, things were plodding on, long covid was here to stay (probably) .  Concerned about my big toe nail which had a non moving black mark, I got a 2ww referral to plastics, and a biopsy. This revealed one nail growing under an older one! Cause unknown, but at least not subungual melanoma. I got an early referral last summer to the lymphoedema clinic, and yes I have it, stage 1. Now a lifetime of compression socks. GP and I wondered if the Furosemide I take was now needed, so I trialled not taking it for a fortnight, disaster! So another med that's lifelong. Bowels then decided to block (I'm prone to constipation rather than diarrhea usually) and the FIT test came back positive, another 2ww . I wondered if the anastomosis was tight. Colonoscopy done, no restrictions nothing seen. Signed off back to GP without ever seeing collectoral (they sign you off after 3 years of treatment finishing so Jan last year) so no idea why the high FIT. But everyone seems happy.  Apart from my niggle at the back of my brain, you guys will get this!

Computer or site not letting me continue!?

Ok, so I survived the end of the year. Got a surprise ENT call up. The consultant listened! That is very empowering for the long covid system. Hearing test, bloods. Probably nothing he can do, so probably won't get my smell or taste back. Did you know that danger smells are processed in a different way to normal ones? At least I now get a glimmer of bad smells. Nose drops, back in 3 months.

Wisdom tooth playing up, so finally got a dental appointment. Wisdom tooth extracted, couple of fillings done (these keep coming out, mouth not the same since chemo). Then he showed me a white patch on my gums, and said he was referring me to hospital. Its not 2ww now, its 62 days. On Wed I got a phone call to ask why I didn't attend my appointment the day before....I had heard nothing, but didn't know exactly how long they'd take to get back to me (2.5 weeks). Who in this situation would not go!!!! Appointment made for 2 weeks. Then another phone call offering me a cancellation that afternoon.... so I left. It wasn't the local hospital but one in/near Birmingham, so 50 mile odd round trip! Consultant pleasant, didn't think it was anything to be concerned about, but will do a biopsy anyway, in about a fortnight.

So I'm sort of reeling! The lymphoedema appointment the next day was great, swelling on the worse leg down. Well happy with that, as was the nurse. 

But I'm reeling with everything that's gone on. I always try and pick myself up and carry on. I'm probably known for posting Charlie Mackesy pictures on here, as I find them a real help. But at the moment I'm not sure. I keep picking up life long situations which I don't want. I want to get back to how I was, even whilst on chemo. But that is not going to happen. So I need a different way forward. But I just keep getting these curve balls....is life trying to tell me something!? I wish it would and then let me be, this is getting beyond a joke now! Just at the moment I've drawn a blank, and need to rant, to get this off my chest. Maybe it will help, maybe someone has an idea. I started parkwalk last year, joining the 5k your way, move with cancer group (the last Sat of the month) and then going to normal ones, and helping. It is not often you find something that gives you a chance to forget, challenge  yourself and volunteer all at the same time. But that is only a hour, 2 or 3 times a month! (Depends how quick I recover, and how the fatigue is)

So if you have got this far, thank you for listening! Take care all. I shall probably feel better in a week or 2 but I needed to rant in a safe space, to people who will get it.xx

  • Hi  

    One thing I have discovered about you  despite being a fantastic person you always seek to fine a way to manage the situation you find yourself in . A lot of post treatment and post covid issues but you always seek to improve , to press on and advocate strongly for yourself . I think all of that is admirable but to do so whilst still showing care and compassion to those around you as you do is so selfless.

    Sometimes a toe by toe journey but you get there .

    Court x 

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  • What a dreadful time you have had  ! No wonder you are reeling.A d you haven’t even mentioned your various joint replacements! I hope at least these are giving no trouble. Sending hugs and hoping that things will settle and you well be able to do more things you love. Take care xx

    Onwards and flatwards (don't do hills) and keep walking if you can!