My cancer journey has moved pretty quick. I’ve had scans and tests and told last week that I’d more than likely be having surgery on the 23rd of this month. It was all pencilled in. But that I would definitely find out after todays MDT meeting whether I’d be having chemo first.
so I planned the surgery. I had it all sorted, who would stay with my dogs (single, 3 adult kids). I also had it in my head that I was gonna die on the operating table. Not a problem though, I planned for it. Sorted my will this week (in the middle of a divorce), spoke about my funeral to the kids. All was ok.
now I’ve been told I need chemo first not surgery. And I’ve slumped. This was not in my plans. The cancer hasn’t spread but the tumour is large. I’m going in hospital Tuesday to get a stent put in my bowel. I’ve sorted who will look after the dogs, sorted lifts. All good? nope!
I actually hate asking for help. I didn’t have the best childhood but got through it. Lived with my dad but back then males weren’t the best (he was though).
I got through an abusive relationship with the kids dad, bringing up the 3 kids he still doesn’t want 16 yrs later. One child is autistic and other ailments but I powered through them all. Met someone else but split less than a year married. Still I powered on bringing the kids up. Youngest (autistic) was hard work.
I’ve done it all by myself, no family to help out at all.
Now I have had all that control taken from me. And I’m having to reply on others. Right now, this feels worse than the cancer. I don’t do relying on others. When times are bad, I pour a drink and blast music. Or get in the car for a drive and blast the music. I hate the unknown.
sorry had to get it out. I told my nurse this when she rang to see if I was ok. I’ve been to work tonight. I know I will be ok, just not tonight
Thanks court. Today’s a new day. Give my head a wobble and get over this blip in my life. Thank you for the kind words. I know chemo first is the right way to go. I just need to change my plans now.
mean at least I’m not gonna be dead in a couple of weeks, I should be happy
Hi Keldog
Your post shows what incredible resilience you have had over the years. I suspect this strength will help you in the time ahead, once the cloud of uncertainty disperses a little and your treatment plan is underway.
You mention not being good at asking for help - I think you'll hit a note with many of us on this site on that one. Recognising it could actually be a good opportunity. I found making a point to try and ask for help for a few small things, such as just as a lift every few weeks, has been a useful way to help me to consider asking for help more often - though I'm still a work in progress.
I also find music a wonderful escapism or expression outlet. So here's to blasting a few more ballards before bed.
