While most folk are incredibly supportive and kind to me two and a half years into remission and bearing a stoma bag for life, I seem to encounter some folk who are mean, disagreeable, insensitive and in a few cases outright bullies. It seems to be a reflex response when I indicate that someone is upsetting or offending me to simply say 'it's just because you are depressed that you feel that way'. At a New Year's Eve party, one guest shook hands loudly with everyone in a room (about 20 people) and after snubbing me rwice as he went round, finally approached me only to pull back his hand going, 'eew, not you. Yeuch, I don't think so' and leaving the room. He later returned, told me three times in a tow that he was only joking and then left again without shaking hands with me. I was so angered and distressed by it that when I saw him again six months later I challenged him on his behaviour, and even secretely recorded the conversation. He neither debied or admitted to it but insisted he simply didn't remember it at all, which I find exteremely unlikely. I raised my concerns with the hosts of the original party who were more bothered that I had mentioned it at all, that I had aggressively challenged my bully, and also recorded him (a recording not made public). One reply was that I shouldn't be offended by the remarks because it is "the kind of offhand acerbic comment that BULLY is apt to make to absolutely anyone and is not out of character with his manner - it's the kind of thing he might well say to anyone. " In effect, they know the individual can be rude and nasty to people in conversation and heneral activity but they just let it slife and accept that he is 'just like that', as if it is perfectly OK because until my reaction, others have not reacted angrily or spoken out on it, so it is just me being weak and giving into my depression.
I was even presented with an absurdly patronising blueprint on how to difuse the situation I am now seen as being responsible for generating. I should apparently do the following.
"
1) Approach the Bully with "can I have a quick word in private" (Did that)
2) "Sorry for aggressively cornering you" (set the tone of contrition – you made a bad choice in doing this in the way you did) (I have to be passive, meek and mild and apologetic for daring to still be angry six months on from the original offence, like I can switch my emotions on and off like a tap.
3) "Although you don't remember it, this is what happened and what you said to me at the new year party and although you may not have meant it seriously, it really did hurt me and it has stuck with me ever since." (Be willing to believe the claim of 'not remembering' and take it at face value)
4) "Even if you don't remember it and didn't mean anything by it, an apology and your understanding would really be appreciated." You should offer me an apology for me being offended by you because you obviously never went out of your way to offend me and it is my fault for not taking the joke in whatever context it was really intended).
This effectively gives the bully a passive role while I do all the apologizing and grovelling for being treated like a social pariah by him with no provocation. This wouldn't solve anything. It would just make me feel subservient to him and I expect he would laugh his socks off at the success of my further humilation.
I was told that I am overasserting my concerns by declaring him a bully at all, as there has only been the one reported incident and only one victim, me, rather than a repeat series of problems (in facr he has been mean to me on multiple occassions) and this was more than a few inconsiderate words - this was the action of someone who tears the legs off captive spiders. I was told that he was not thinking about my health concerns, but in what context is treating someone as disgusting and repugnant acceptable as a statement or a joke even if you fail to consider the health issues they have made very known aboutthemselves for years? Even if in fine health physically and mentally this inxident wasn't a joke, but verbal assault, abuse and bullying.
This kind of thing really shakes my faith in human nature.
Thankfully there are more good people in the world and I hope you have lots of them around you.
I understand that sometimes we can be effected by others
keep smiling 
Good to hear you’re generally ok.
it’s sad how we can be effected by people without them recognising what they have done, even when told!
maybe your friends also see the benefits of not rocking the boat too
keep smiling 
Hi there
What a distasteful human he is. I think I would blank him completely.no more glance than that of a buzzing insect!
Sometimes it’s best to move on first and let them stew. Carry on as if everything is fine and he does not exist
My son had similar meeting when he was in a wheel chair after a car accident and had broken his neck. A distant family member was cruel. I mean evil and laughed.
My son is damaged from that moron and has never moved on from that experience. He never had pay back. He’s married now with two beautiful children
You have that chance.
Ignore if he approaches, turn away.
Turning the other cheek hurts like mad
Really work the very best way for you
I wish you well
Ann
