Bowel cancer CARERS, FAMILY & FRIENDS chat

Hi fallingleaves88

Really sorry to be reading this it has been a awful time for you and your family your Dad sounds like a amazing strong man fighting but like you say it's hard to watch and wait you are in my prayers xx

HI Maggie we are waiting for his pet scan but they do not do it at his hospital so we have to wait for a appointment to the large UNIVERSITY hospital he has a scan on his kidney on the 30th why is everything so long in the mean time he gets sicker. Helen sending my love to you and your family this dark cloud over us all needs to lift hugs to you all xx

We are here even though Kevin has gone you have been brave to still come on here to chat and to let us know how you are doing I often think if Simon leaves me will I be able to pick up the laptop and chat to Macmillan community or just walk away so thankyou you and Vicky you are both amazing xx

Jkee it was good to just to be normal for a couple oh hours with the grandchildren for Easter clothes. It does do us good xx

Thanks for all your support. My dad passed away peacefully yesterday morning. After my last message, I was so tired from a lack of sleep, I was keeping vigil but I kept on falling asleep, nodded off 5 or 6 times, then I would wake up to check if my dad was still breathing. He was sleeping but I could tell from his breath that he was struggling. I felt like my dad waited for me to say goodbye before he left. In the morning, I stood up instead of sitting down so that it kept me awake, I spent 30 min chatting to him, holding his hand and told him everything will be ok, we'll meet again in another life, we'll always find each other, he's the best daddy in the world. He peacefully left me, the next breath didn't come, I waited a few minutes to see if he would breathe again but there was nothing. I called the nurse. I didn't burst out crying like a baby incase my dad saw that I was so upset, I did that when I got home. 

When I finally left the hospital around lunchtime, I was quite relieved that there'll be no more hospital visits/appointments, no more pain and suffering for my dad and no more worrying but he isn't here anymore. We went to the hospital together to A&E to get his blocked catheter changed but he had to stay cos of high potassium levels and low oxygen level, one month later, I went home without him. This doesn't feel real. I feel like he's still here,  in my memory. Thinking like that gives me comfort but there are moments when I just burst out in tears when I think that his physical form has gone. It's still so raw, I'll give myself more time to process my feelings. I think I have a sense of temporary relief because I've seen my dad suffer and go through a lot, cancer can't hurt him anymore. Give it a few hours, that feeling will wear off and I'll be crying again cos dad isn't here anymore. PattyK, I guess we all have our own way of dealing with grief. My mum went to work today, I'm not ready to face people yet. 

When my dad was in hospital, I read a book called When Breath Becomes Air, its about a 36 year old American neurosurgeon who was diagnosed with lung cancer and died a few years later. I finished reading the book the night before my dad died. The book was inspiring but so sad, one day he was a doctor but then he became a patient. It reminded me that we are all mortal, life is unpredictable.

Hope your son's operation went well Tory. Our palliative care nurse was great, she was our advocate in getting dad home and reducing the number of tests but in the end, my dad was too sick to go home. Hope there's a better outcome for your son. 

Jkee, that's a long wait to get a scan. Fingers cross the scan results would be OK. Hope everything is ok for you Distraught.

Last week I bought the hospice staff a thank you card and a box of expensive chocolates, but i left it at home and then my dad's condition deteroriated, so i didn't get the opportunity to go home and take the gift back to the hospital. I can't face going back to there again, I feel bad i can't give it to them to show my appreciation but there's no way I'm ever going back there again unless I really need to. I'll probably have an emotional breakdown if i went back to the hospice building. 

I will still post and reply to this thread and follow your journeys. You've all been great to me, part of my support network, it's become part of my routine to read about your lives, thank you for sharing. I really hope you get more time with your loved ones and they are not in too much pain x

fallingleaves88

I am very sorry to read your dad has passed away your dad is now out of pain and at peace your pain has begun but you were with him and he knew which was lovely for your dad. Please take one day at a time let out your tears it will help through your grief things are going to feel strange now you are home and not at the hospice but try and look after yourself you are in my thoughts sending you hugs xx

Hi Fallingleaves!

So sorry to read your post. My sincere condolences to you and your family. Yes it won't feel real for a while it didn't for me anyway I always just kept thinking it was happening to someone else. But as Jkee says your dad is at peace now and in no more pain and that is one way to look at it. I sometimes remind myself of that too that Jay is now out of pain. I've no other words to say except look after yourself and God Bless you and your family. Take Care. 

Vicky xx

Fallingleaves I am sending you and your family condolences.  There are no words that would make you feel better. I was just so sad to read your news but he is out of pain as Jkee has said. Do try and look after yourself.  We all grieve in different ways.  God bless you and your family. Lots of hugs Maggie xx

So sorry about your dad but he is no longer in pain, it doesn’t feel real and you feel in a bubble. You have to take care of yourself now and think of all the lovely memories you have with your dad. We are all here for you on here

Helen x

Thank you all for your kind words, it means a lot to me. Life is so fragile, we have to make the most of our time with our loved ones. I went to the funeral directors to arrange a direct cremation, I have a small family, so don't need any fancy. The hospital's bereavement team called to say the death certificate is ready, i've booked an appointment with the registrar to register my dad's death next Monday. It really does feel like I'm in a bubble at the moment, just doing what needs to be done. I've already had a month off work, luckily my manager is supportive. I have to go back to work at some point and face reality.

How are you all today?