Bowel cancer CARERS, FAMILY & FRIENDS chat

1. Hi everyone.  Dreadful night last night after he had a real go at me. He had another go this afternoon for using pound instead of dollar on a stamp.  I said I won’t touch them again and put the ones I had away. I am actually sat here with tears running down my eyes and feel like running away and not coming back. Of course I won’t.  He has never even apologised again. If he keeps this up I will have to say something as I am only trying to help. Do I keep my mouth shut and pretend or say something. I just can’t bear this anymore. He even told daughter he had a go at me. I know I am not going to get my old ,ice back but I certainly feel trapped. I know he is pain but if won’t take anything for it or let me ring there is nothing else I can do.  I feel like a punch bag. Sorry for the rant.

thinking of you all and sending hugs xx

Maggie we are all different how we deal with things sounds to me he has had enough of the pain the cancer the fissue waiting operation etc etc and just feels all this anger sounds like he needs a good cry but of course our men don't do that. I know your afraid like me to upset him or shout back because it feels wrong to shout when the poor things have Cancer it would feel cruel but you are only human when he is calm he needs to see your tears and the pain you are feeling think he needs to let it out but unfortunately he only has you. I let out my tears a lot but our men just don't want to get help or talk to anyone my heart breaks for you both their is nothing worse in making you depressed then pain I just hope in the next few days he lets you call for help xx

Jkee you say it so beautifully. You are right men don’t cry and this is the first time I have tears running down my face but not crying.  I just keep welling up.  My heart breaks for you too being in the same situation.  I feel awful just wanting to walk away but to be honest if he keeps this up I will break. I am trying and have tried. Now he has moaned about me doing the stamps and there are a lot he is not happy, now I feel they can go to rot or I will bloody burn them. I thought I was doing a favour obviously not. He resents me for getting them in order which has taken a couple of months. Here is a pic of all the commonwealth stamp collection. 

and that is only half of them. Putting them in new files etc as his fathers did smell old xx

And that is his mother’s ashes on the floor on the right. His sister has not even asked what he is doing with her, guess his mother will be staying in the corner. Xx

Maggie don't worry about things that are really not important he is lashing out but he will not mean anything that he is throwing at you just frustrating. IF i were you just let him do the stamps it is obviously keeping his mind busy if that's what makes him happy just let him do it . You will break if you hold it all in I do tell Simon if he's had a go at me then he is so sorry we are here if you need us x

He has not been able to do the stamps due to no feeling in his fingers and you have to be careful handling them. It is now his responsibility not mine. It kept me really busy as well as I ignored him having a go at me.  We should be making the most of it instead we are not talking as I could just cry. I feel so sad that this is our life now and I know I should be thankful. If I suggest anything he has a go, so I keep quiet. What a way to live. So sorry I am in this dark place at the moment. I hope you are coping with Simon. 

sending hugs to everyone as well xx

Maggie you are right our days are very precious when we have snapped or a cross words straight away I think we don't want to waste our time not talking so I just go and hug Simon we do talk it out every day now I am just happy we get the chance to be together not sure if you are huggy people but I think you are both suffering but separately maybe you both need that hug xx

I have never beeb a hugger and even everyone knows that. I just tend to go very quiet. I wish I was a hugger. I am not much of a talker either that is why I like the forum. Both daughters and few friend all know me too well. I never pry into others business but I am honest when people ask certain things. I suppose we are all different but I will try harder instead of going in over which Les hates. Thank you Jkee your advice is valuable xx

Evening, I would just crack so he could see how upset you were. I am sick of crying myself but the reike people have told me to let go and cry as it releases something and calms you a bit. Now I’ve started I’m so emotional and the least thing sets me off

Paul was taken from the hospice by ambulance to hospital at midnight lastnight and has had tubes put in his neck for dialysis machine. So he is having it until Wednesday then having op to put tube in correct place in his stomach. So nightmare goes on as his potassium levels are so high which could cause his heart to stop. I think this would be a blessing but obviously they will keep him going but I don’t think he has any quality of life at the mo so I will keep going day by day with him. My heart breaks for him but thank goodness I have Sally helping but I just wish Kevin was with me for support and feel so alone even with people around it’s when you are in bed and your mind goes into overdrive.

will see what tomorrow brings

Helen x

Helen I agree I cry and daft as it sounds you do feel  better sorry to hear Paul is suffering the pain you must be in i cannot imagine . I know when i'm in bed my head is full of thoughts and the tears flow You are in my prayers Helen xx