Living with husbands stoma

Hi THOMO

I don’t know what to say I was opposite to your husband 

When did he have his operation?
Do you think he’s coping with adjusting to living with a Stoma , there’s support here if you think it may help  

I hope that you have support at home as well as trying to help your husband.

I have an Ileostomy , does your  husband have an ileostomy or colostomy?

I only had the clear bags in hospital I was sent home with the grey fabric covered pouches, they’re not transparent and you’re unable to see anything through them  I have to empty every two hours as Ileostomy’s have higher output  

Is he in recovery from cancer , there’s so much to process  

I hope that things improve 

Hi THOMO

It’s sad to see you are having to go through so much. I didn’t have the same experience as my partner has no issues with either of my bags-I have 2 stomas. 

I don’t know if your husband has a colostomy or ileostomy but there is no reason for it to smell, as you can get drops for the bag to neutralise any odour, although I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t want to change the bag for comfort if nothing else. 

Would he consider using a different bag? I use a bag which is black, so nothing can be seen and my particular bag also comes in a stone colour and white. None of these reveal the contents! 

Yes, you need to accept the stoma, but no-you don’t need to put up with this unreasonable behaviour in my opinion.

Sarah xx

HI Thomo,

 I think this may be a 'man' thing!! I know where you are coming from. Initially I found it hard to cope, but have got used to it now(after about 6 months). We've had a few blow outs with the bag, and I now find that easier to deal with than even baby poo!! My husband has gradually learnt to empty the bag before its too full, or there are consequences!!!  In my experience it takes time for you both to accept it and learn to live with it. xx

I feel for you THOMO I have a weak stomach in that area yet I can clean up sick no problem at all . That’s just who we are .

In no way do I think you are unsupportive if you don’t actually want to see that . It would only take a few minor changes to resolve it too. I think that is worlds apart from aiding a sick relative who can’t complete the process . But when it’s unnecessary that’s different . In the same way we would always flush the toilet as due care to others in our households . Although as an ex occupational therapist I can absolutely assure you I have many conversations over a toilet that people seemed not to want to flush and had clearly been like that for a while . As I got more confident I stepped outside and invited them to flush .

Different bags sounds a good starting point and I would find a much bigger dressing gown . 

I don’t regard your requests as unsupportive as it seems over the line .

Take care ,

Court 

I just wanted to add. Pants.

I searched for large attractive knickers. That made me feel like me and covered everything

You could buy some extra large Boxers high waisted  and ask him to cover himself up please!

Artsie I noticed a young girl had started her own company that was both supportive but more reflective of the styles and fabrics she previously wore . Can’t remember the name for the life of me but it was brilliant. 
My friends son had a stoma and uses coloured bags . He used to jump in off the harbour and go swimming with my boys and it was fully visible but you could not actually see anything . Very open and explained everything . Not a problem at all and the other kids did not bother one bit . 
His mum sent me a video of him abroad at a pool party and there he was doing his thing with just his swimming shorts on . Full of confidence and enjoying himself to the full . The bag was coloured and he was having a Fantastic time . A great advert for anyone needing to learn how to have a great life whilst managing a stoma . 

Nothing stops him and I love that it does not .

take care ,

Court 

Court that’s really amazing. Children just accept and get on with it. Once they know why they really don’t think about anything more than having fun.

Thanks for that. I will look up the undies.
I’m M&S matching. Always had matching before and it made me feel unlike myself even when I was dressed knowing my nice undies were put away and I had Bridget  Jones bloomers 

Took a lot of research but I now I’m happy 

Hi cant add much to all the great advice from others.just wondering if your husband is having trouble accepting his stoma and this is his way of ignoring it by totally going the other way and making you uncomfortable because he is.

You mention he is wearing a dressinggown.does he not get dressed?Im sure he would feel better if he did.

What would happen if you invited some friends round for coffee?it might spur him on to get dressed etc.

I really dont think he has even begun to accept his stoma despite what he says.hopefully for both your sakes he soon will.

Hoping this gets sorted for you

Kath

Hi Thomo,

Another thought I've had.

We found that because my husbands stoma is right on his waist line he can't use a belt on his trousers anymore. He bought some thin braces, initially, but then decided thick ones might be better. They have bright blue crosses on them!!! Its something we never thought of until he tried his trousers on!! There are practical things to overcome as well as emotional ones!! xx

Thanks so much Artsie.. I'm trying my best to consider how my husband is feeling but I really have tried all your suggestions to no avail... he had his operation 8 weeks ago and he has accepted it all very well... he says he's going to carry on as normal as possible and won't let the stoma dictate... he only wants to change it in the morning.. and I mean about midday... and again at night... it doesn't bother him... I've tried talking about the advice from on line, leaflets we were given and even what his stoma nurse told him.. but he just gets angry and says he doesn't need all the different advice as it will end up ruling him, so he will do it on his own. He has a colostomy...

We went for the first visit to the stoma nurse last week since he left hospital and I thought she may back me up... I asked if my husband could have skin coloured bags as I was struggling to cope with seeing them with output in them.. she asked my husband if HE had any issues with them and he said no.. it was me who did... she looked at me and said its what HE needs and wants.. its not about you! I just wanted to cry.. I told her it was making me feel sick and she reluctantly agreed to have the skin coloured samples sent to try... 

They did come... and he has tried 3 different bags.. but says they are harder to see to put on and they are too small so fill too quickly. I reminded him they weren't meant to be full and asked why he can't simply change the bag when needed, but he just storms off in a huff! He announced today that he has now tried all 3 samples but prefers to stay with the clear bags. I've said if he can't try to compromise I'll have to sleep in the spare room. No response. 

I'm actually sitting here on the opposite end of the living room and the smell is nauseating. I end up going to bed early every night to get away from the smell but it doesn't bother him. His bag has already burst in the middle of the night in bed his first week home and I spent an hour cleaning the mess up.. it was everywhere.. but I did it and didn't complain..  I'm totally acceptable accidents may happen and can deal with that.. but not things he can control.