Coping with my mum's cancer while she's in denial

Hi 

Welcome to the forum . I really feel for you as you are the same age as my son and I must be similar to your mum . It is complex to say the least and I had very similar feelings to yourself . I did feel as though my mum was not grasping the extent of her prognosis and in my mind I wanted her come to a position of acceptance about that . Over time I have shifted away from that and I think it is possibly very individual. I remember being distracted one day as I did not know any funeral arrangements and felt dragged along with something I did not feel was potentially achievable. However I remembered some training from a hospice I had years before and it was a minister doing a section on acceptance and he talked about how some people will accept their diagnosis and you think they are processing that and then suddenly say they will need a new winter coat this year . Acceptance was much more fluid than I anticipated and it could flow like that till they pass . I also started some training with a hospice the very week of my mum’s diagnosis and the lady said some twenty year olds are completely resolved yet they have sat with 90 years olds who wrestle with acceptance . My other shift , I actually think they may just need that denial to get them through the day so I don’t try and take that away from both my parents now , who are considerable older than yours .

It may just be what your mum needs to deal with this . Deep down I do actually think they know they just can’t give up and it may be her way of still trying . My own friend died over lockdown . I had to sit in the patio and talk through a small gap in the door . Suddenly she spoke about her hopes and ambitions for her boys for around two hours . Then she would wind it up by saying this is just respite and I will be home soon to start treatment . I never counteracted that and reassured her I had taken hold of all she was saying and my memory long . To me talking to her about holidays will not do any harm . She may even like the therapy of the thought . I know of a young lady who passed away recently but still planned a wedding that she never got to have . I can only imagine it helped her escape .

I think getting some support is so important . Our helpline staff are on 0808 808 0000 , not sure how that works from abroad but they could possibly send you some resources to consider and go through support that your dad might want to look into in terms of carers etc as the need develops . I think protecting yourself is also very important for your own health and if you come home soon also plan time out with friends etc as you will need it . 
There is support for your mum and dad and they will not have to do this on their own . I will post this and add some information . Even knowing it is available can be helpful even if not needed just now . Your dad can also phone our helpline as they cover every aspect from financial , support to treatment information. 
We also have a carers forum for relatives of people who are incurable. You might find that helpful to see how they are coping .

I am around and happy for you to chat at any time . Please feel free to PM me if you just need to off load . 
Take care ,

Court 

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/treatment/if-you-have-an-advanced-cancer/end-of-life/being-cared-for-at-home

In this booklet it does suggest you can email them which might be better from abroad .

Take care ,

Court