Over a year since my release from hospital after my cancer was removed and my river of excreta dammed up and diverted to a stoma bag. Not surprisingly I've been diagnozed with high anxiety and mild depression. I thought I'd get over it by organizing a meal for my pending 60th birthday. As I'm from a different city than I live in now I am having my party-meal at a restaurant in my old home city. I sent out invites requesting potential guests to reply 'As Soon As Possible'. RSVP. Many have done. One couple dragged their feet tghough and I was tempted to just write them off butthey are respected by other friends (one of the married duo is a minor celebrity). I sent several requests to know what they are doing party-meal day. Eventually the celeb's wife replied by e-mail that she was keen to come but that he was stalling and she didn't know why. Later he replied saying they couldn't commit because things were a bit awkward. Then she re-replied that it was actually her who had cold feet due to Covid. Not the first time they have messed around like this and in a few previous events they have suddenly turned up at the last minute at events unannounced making themselves the main guests.
I sent them a rather sarcastic e-mail, included here. My therapist has a fortnightly phone chat with me lasting about half an hour. She is lovely, helpful and sympathetic. At our last session on Thursday afternoon she set me a homework assignment, advising me to postpone worries to a worry hour once a week rather than let them spiral around on me when they decide. It seems a good strategy but I do fear the approach will just give my anxieties and neurosis a firmer platform than ever to build on. That I worry at all gives me something to worry about.
Much of my current worry centres on my birthday meal event, as there is very little going on between now and then. What if it all goes pear shaped? What if no one goes? What if anyone / everyone gets Covid and it’s my fault?
Getting your reactions to my ASAP was a stress inducing trigger in itself, though I’m absolutely sure you never intended it that way. Strangely I worry if that is even over and I realize now that my fears move from realism to wilder speculation. It actually worries me that you might try turning up anyway as an unannounced surprise. While I ought to find that elating, with the thought that the more friends the merrier, I’d feel it was disregarding my wishes to know everything in preparation, and shift the focus for many guests to the unexpected fresh arrivals, undermining me, leaving me annoyed, but either a/. Sulking quietly in the corner or b/. Looking like a total git through expressing anger or requesting that you leave. I’d feel bullied into a very awkward place - even though it hasn’t happened and undoubtedly won’t, my head is reacting as if it already has. Much of me says you are too good as friends to do that kind of betrayal of trust crap to me but my neurosis is raging like a bush fire on it.
I never liked surprise events or surprise parties. My mum threw so many of them it got utterly predictable. I actually insisted that I run my own 40th birthday events and even told friends at the pub I was using for it that it was a surprise party for me and not to tell me about it. I mocked the shock awe and ‘oh you shouldn’t have’ when I arrived there.
I really hate the strippagram culture. I was a pub when a poor guy (not with me or my friends) was in for his stag do. His mates sprang a surprise full on dominatrix stripper on him. She stripped him down but the poor guy looked scared to death rather than turned on, and his ‘mates’ jeered at his lack of masculinity while she just pressed on tearing into him (obviously more serving whoever paid to hire her than him). I felt he really needed better mates. I always feel I want to stay in control of stuff I do, so when stuff starts shifting into hazy foggy will we won’t we maybe, no …. Surprise, we made it after all territory I feel bullied out of the frame I’ve tried creating, like Frankenstein finding his creature having all the fun while he gets left dusting the castle.
I hate the ‘Get This Party Started’ song Pink & Shirley Bassey (Cover version) did. Great song, but the message of turning up at a party someone else has to make it yours and become the diva of the event is something I loathe. I prefer the guests to quietly mingle and chat without any one-upmanship life & soul of the party antics.
For the main part I’m confident you’ll respect my wishes that having said you aren’t coming over on the 5th, you’ll hold true to that. Understand I would have loved you to be there - I’d never have invited you otherwise. Hopefully when I talk to my therapist a few days before the event she’ll help me realize how bloody stupid I am, but this exercise amounts to what Bowie described as ‘putting out the fire with gasoline’ Signed *******
With my post cancer care, councelling and stress levels going through the roof my fear that they might turn up and in effect hijack my event really burrows into me - just hope they reply and finally respect my wishes - they certainly didn't respect my ASAP request. - Links to the songs are just for reference.
Pink - . https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mW1dbiD_zDk
Hi Forester42
You have been through an enormous challenge with Cancer and managing a stoma. I also have an ileostomy and have been so relieved to have that horrid cancer in a bin
The one thing that I have learned in my journey is Cancer has woken me up
So have a fantastic time celebrating your birthday, it’s an amazing time to do just that with the close friends that have been there for you.
It maybe worth while just keeping your invites to those you can relax with, enjoy their company and celebrate your birthday.
Take care
Ann
