Received my Macmillan email about Talking!

Hi . It’s a bit of a conversation stopper isn’t it? People who don’t know the situation ask how you are and when you tell them you’ve got cancer then they feel awful for asking but if you say ‘I’m fine’ and they find out later then they wonder why you never said anything! I was a bit in denial and decided to treat it like any other illness, have the treatment and get on with my life but you soon find that every advert on telly is for cancer and people are always asking how you are and it becomes a big part of your life.

Everybody deals with it differently - there’s no right or wrong way - it’s whatever is best for you. Is the video group session to talk about cancer? If so the other people will know exactly how you feel and nobody expects you to put a brave face on. Have you thought about giving the nurses on here a ring and seeing how that goes? They’re available every day from 8-8 on 0808 808 00 00.

Ive attached a link to an article about moving on after treatment which a lot of people have found helpful - if it doesn’t seem relevant yet then you can always put it under your hat for later

https://www.workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf

Take care

Karen x

Hi 

Actually at the beginning my mum avoided all cancer chat ! Hated talking about it and wanted to avoid her life slipping into a complete cancer zone . She even stood away from people at her oncology appointments . It was so unlike her but I joined her pretty quickly when I realised a lot of what people had to say difficult to process even although it was incredibly well meant ! I just did not have the strength to deal with what might come up !  

However once we had strengthened to the process a better balance was struck and it stopped having the same impact. She really did not want it to define her and wanted some normalcy.

She actually became very supportive to fellow patients. To be honest she rarely talks about her illness or experience now . Which I still find strange as she is a talkative person but not on this one thing ! 
Sometimes you have to protect yourself until you are stronger and you will know when that happens as the inner panic stops hitting you .

But it’s good to have somewhere to go to even just to read . This forum helped me see how others coped , what to expect from treatments and strengthened me and I was able to chat that through with my mum . Being flexible in how you get support and knowing what works for you can really help .

Havd you just been diagnosed?

Court 

Thank you Karen for the link, I will definitely take a look.

I think I've tried laughing about it, that didn't work, but I understand the tele scenario, there does seem to be so much around, it makes me squirm at times.   I have been an active member of bowel uk but felt the need to withdraw as I was falling into a black hole.  I am used to supporting others, not this way round!

The session is about cancer yes, I thought it might help to understand myself as much as anything.  I haven't thought about ringing the nurses, I didn't realise that I could do that, but I don't know what to say tbh, as I'm not having treatment now and I have had my op, but there are things I cant say to my family as I don't want them to carry any worry around if that makes sense. 

Many thanks. 

xx

Thank you, Court.  I think the emotional rollercoaster is so difficult, but I really do appreciate you telling me about your mum, as I know feelings may change as time moves on.  I hope she is going on ok now.  What about you

I was diagnosed nearly a year ago, had my op but couldn't do chemo.  I think it is good to see how others cope, but I just feel stuck if that makes sense, but I am trying new ways now to move forward gently. 

Many thanks. 

. There is a Life after Cancer page as well - you don’t have to post - you can just read if you want but you’ll see that a lot of others feel just like you do x

community.macmillan.org.uk/.../life-after-cancer-forum

https://www.workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf

Some others have found this as n interesting read at your stage in the process .

My mum was a stage 4 patient . In and out of treatment for seven years but managed to get discharged this year after 12 years . I personally think the first year is still early days as you are only getting over the enormity of it all both physically and emotionally. 
I would say my mum found her feet about six months after her biggest surgery . Life pushed back in , hospital appointments started to thin out and she got the opportunity to gain some strength . I can check it out for you but I think the staff on the Macmillan helpline can refer you for counselling . 0808 808 0000. Sometimes you just need space in life to acknowledge what you have been through and how to find some direction going forward ! Whatever that is !

Strangely enough I resolved my issue on here but possibly did not speak about them to my friends ! How strange is that !!

I did see my mum change though , it was a process and she did move through it . As a relative , spectating on the whole thing I can fully see why some aspects become sticking points and given it’s a tough process I can see why it surfaces when you get a chance to draw breath . You have endured a lot ! 

Glad you have raised this . I think others will be sitting at home going through the same .

Take care ,

Court 

Hi Karen62 I just wanted to thank you for the link which I read immediately, I am so pleased I did, it has definately been helpful and I will keep reading as I move along.

x 

You’re very welcome  x

I think  in the western culture we fear talking about issues that maybe perceived as negative. Some people fear talking illness because they fear outcomes. you don't see this so widely in India and some eastern cultures. We tend to hide illness because it is potentially seen as weakness. I talk more openly to people as i dont see me as a cancer patient. I dont define me by the illness. Im still the same man who happens to have cancer.

Hi, , Karen has sent you the link to my favourite paper! It is so helpful. I find I have to tread carefully, but in the end if they asked and I thought they meant it, I replied truthfully. Can't be done pussyfooting, and if they never asked again then that's ok. But yes, you pick up on everything to do with cancer. That's the only benefit this last year as its been all covid!!!

But yes difficult to get talking. I've found some friends on this site, one in particular from another cancer group. Not sure I'd like a video group, would prefer a real group somehow 

Take care