Advice on partner's depression

FormerMember over 5 years ago

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I am in my second week of chemo and radiotherapy for stage 3 bowel cancer. So far I feel mostly okay but my partner is prone to depressive episodes and is going through one now. He has suffered with them for years and finally agreed to get some counselling through work and then lockdown happened. Since then I've had my diagnosis.

I feel a bit at my wits end. We have a 10 and 6 year old child and just got a new puppy. I've been told I should take it easy but I find with my partner's lethargy that I'm doing more if anything. I'm the one getting up at 5:30 to see to the puppy - he has always hated early mornings - and I feel guilty for asking him to do them. He is the one having naps in the day because he's tired.

I feel angry that for once I am the one that needs emotional support and some of the burden lifted but, as ever, his need for understanding on that front is greater than mine. I know rationally that he can't help it but I'm not one to suffer from depression given my current situation finding his hard to deal with.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really. My oncologist at the outset suggested we may need to explore family therapy, but that was really for the kids, and we still haven't told them. I suggested that today but he said he will just wait for the counselling through work, but I wonder if we both need to talk.

FormerMember over 5 years ago

Hi SazzyJ

First of all I'd like to say hello, and welcome to the site.

I know almost exactly where you are coming from. I was diagnosed with Stage III colon cancer in 2011 and had chemo in 2012 six months after my husband had been diagnosed with Parkinsons He had been treated for clinical depression and vascular dementia. I had cared for him for some years. Although I was older than you and my children are grown up, (my grandchildren were the same age as your children) but it was still a very difficult and stressful time for me.

You feel so alone and everything falls to you and they don't understand how hard it is going through chemo/radio and that you are also tired and need support. You have been the strong one for so long they just expect you to carry on.

I felt angry and in a way sorry for myself having to cope with everything. I wanted someone to look after me for a change. I think it is quite a normal reaction.

My GP, who was aware of my caring role, did arrange support and I attended a support centre whenever I could. BUT with Covid things are so different, but there are things on line that might be able to help you.

The HOPE course which is now being run virtually may well be something that you could get involved in. The HOPE Course is for anyone going through a difficult time. The courses are run by various organisations and charities and Macmillan offer one. There have been various changes made to the Macmillan website over the last few weeks and I am unable to find a link for you, but if you ring the helpline on 0808 808 0000 they should be able to give you information. The line is available from 8:00 am. to 8:00 pm 7 days a week and they offer support and information on all aspects of Cancer. Its a free to call number.

When you children go back to school you might wish to let the school know about your circumstances and they should be able to talk to you about offering counselling for your children if you feel they could benefit from talking to someone.

Macmillan can also let you know about various books that are available for talking to children about cancer and they have a range of leaflets and booklets they could let you have if you ask them on the help line.

Also talk to your GP practice they may be able to refer you to your local NHS/Social Services Team that are offering on-line help and support during Covid.

You are in a very difficult and stressful situation, and your health is most important. Chemo and radiotherapy makes you extremely tired at times and you need to rest as much as you can. You must try to put yourself first and be firm with your partner and make him understand that you need help and support too. This is often easier said that done, but do try to be firm with him. He may not realise just how you are feeling and being firm with him may make him understand.

Do take care,

VickiLynne